Life of O'Brien: Let's Just Blow Up Iran and get it Done With

The deteriorating relationship between the United States and Iran may hold the highest stakes of any international crisis. As the country nears closer to going nuclear, the West must walk a tightrope between imposing meaningful sanctions -- without further emboldening and expanding Iran’s hard-line Islamist movement. Now is surely not the time for any cowboy displays of bravado on the part of the United States, as anyone can plainly see. But Plain Dealer columnist Kevin O’Brien isn't anyone. Blow the shit outta dem lil’ fuckknuckles, he declares in his latest masterpiece. That’s right, says O’Brien, the paper’s deputy editorial director, in his column “United States is wasting its table manners on Iran.” The time for talking is done. Now its time to make them little falafel-eatin’, camel-milkin’, VCR-repairing, abu-gabu-jabu-talkin’ freakie-deakies pay, beeyatch! O’Brien clearly disagrees with the moderate approach taken by the new U.S. ambassador to the U.N., Zalmay Khalilzad, a Sunni political scientist born in Afghanistan. O’Brien’s tired of talking about his feelings, and he’s unraveled a two-step plan for fixing the problem, right-wing-wackjob-style: One: “Detail Iranian behavior no longer to be tolerated.” Two: Create a “list of targets Iran can expect to be destroyed should misbehavior persist.” Possible third step: Distribute fully-automatic weapons to every man, woman and child in the United States, just as a safety precaution. – Jared Klaus

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