Lust 2011: The Survey Results

Love, romance, and scarring acts of perversion from the people you thought you could trust

Lust 2011: The Survey Results

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What's the oddest random thought you've had during sex?

• A candy cane tastes better

than this.

• I wonder if I can get 120 more Justice points tonight so I can buy some new gloves.

• Oh! What time does Scrubs start?!

• I hope I don't fart.

• Are my dogs going to the bathroom in the house?

• Damn, she has a hairy ass.

• Did I leave the oven on?

• Did I pack the kids' lunches?

• Fuck — the clothes are in the dryer!

• Her friend is hotter.

• I bet this looks pretty damned silly.

• I wish I had a Twix ice cream bar.

• Why am I sweating so much?

• Will she really turn out like her mother?

• I wish I had two penises.

Is there anything you'd like to confess to a past or present lover?

• Nothing that I want to read in Scene.

• Nope, it's all good in the bedroom.

• I almost slept with your sister and still want to.

• I didn't appreciate you when I

had you.

• Dorothy was a lousy lover.

• I faked it.

• I have cheated on you via phone and internet. I am sorry, but I needed affection from someone.

• I have many things I will take to the grave. And I'm OK with that.

• I never gave you head, but now I give it to my husband all the time and love it.

• I should have left my wife for you.

• My ex-husband sucked in bed.

• You cheated on me, and I did the same to you.

• I'm a sex addict and I need help.

• You had a small, strange penis and your cunnilingus fetish was weird.

• How the hell could you cheat on me

with a midget?

• You have the biggest cock I've ever seen, and I like it!

• You may have had an enormous dick, but all that confidence made you lazy.

• I should have said goodbye long before I did.

• You waited five years for this and I still had to fake it. Ugh!

• To my ex-fiance: Sorry we never did that threesome.

• I never had orgasms before my current partner. I always faked it. It's good to be on the other side of that wall.

• When I poked you in the butt, I really did think it was your vagina.

• My girl is way better than any guy I was ever with.

• You drank my spit; I'm sorry. I was

orgasmic and couldn't control my

mouth when I was on top of you.

• Stevie, you weren't good.

What do you know now that you wish you'd known earlier?

• That my wife would clam up a bit

when she got a little older.

• All the fun I could have had if I were

less insecure back then.

• I'm actually pretty big.

• A lot of girls don't like anal.

• Being a virgin really isn't that bad.

• Blowjobs are not about speed.

• The consequences of being

unfaithful.

• Don't be a whore.

• Don't be afraid to tell your partner

what you're into.

• Don't get married.

• How much older women enjoy

younger men.

• How to control my breathing.

• How to deep-throat.

• How to find the G spot.

• How to remove a bra.

• I wish I would have known my

biggest girl crush in high school

was a lesbian.

• Not only skinny people can get laid.

• Start off letting her suck my

asshole.

• A man, no matter his age or how

nice he is, will say absolutely anything to get laid.

• Not all black men have big penises, and not all white men have small ones.

• It's OK to be slutty.

• Men don't care about all the things us women obsess over.

• Men give love to get sex, women give sex to get love.

• Better understanding of how girl

parts work.

• No unprotected sex until marriage.

• Being comfortable in my sexuality is the sexiest thing a woman can do.

• I married a dud.

• My wife was a whore without letting me in on it.

• Not all relationships can be saved by love.

• There are a lot of people out there — settling down young might not have been the best decision.

• Toys are fun!

• When I was a fumbling teen, we were all fumbling teens.

What is your biggest

sex-related regret?

• Answering a booty call.

• Being a sex slave to my ex.

• Breaking my penis — seriously.

• I broke up with an ex before we did a two-guy threesome.

• Continuing a threesome when I

wasn't feeling any interest in

the third person.

• Fucking ugly women.

• Getting someone pregnant more

than once.

• I never fucked a guy with a cute foreign accent.

• Having pity sex.

• Maintaining my

virginity as long as I did.

• Getting HIV.

• Getting

pregnant.

• Marrying the first man I had sex with.

• Not having sex with my first love.

• That I didn't have more sex when I was married.

• Never been with an African woman.

• Not having enough money

for a penile implant.

• Not filming more of it.

• Not fucking a guy's mother who wanted me to fuck her.

• Using hormonal birth control. I'm

pretty sure it's made with essence of Satan.

• Not training my husband better when we were young.

• Not trying oral sex earlier.

• Sleeping with a guy who could have been a really good friend.

• Too many partners in college.

• Waiting so long to accept my sexuality and missing out on years of fabulous gay sex.

• Starting too early — at 14.

• Should have started in grade school.

What's the best way to keep the passion alive?

• Accept your spouse's flaws, look at the good, and enjoy what you have.

• Remember why you fell in love.

• Stay in shape.

• Allow your partner to have control.

• If he wants to, at least let him try to get you in the mood.

• Don't forget to brush your teeth and wipe your ass.

• Don't put yourself in situations where it's hard to make a good choice.

• The grass is not always greener

on the other side. In fact, that shit is burnt.

• Go out and get dressed up for each other.

• Ladies: Don't fake orgasms. • Have sex at least once a week.

• Make sure you always kiss, even when you're mad.

• Never stop flirting.

• No TV in the bedroom.

• Spend lots of time kissing naked.

• Keep an open mind.

• Keep your eyes closed.

What is the best way to you heart on Valentine's Day?

A big, beautiful bag of Mary Jane ... and a ton of chocolates for when I get the munchies.

What's the craziest place you've ever gotten it on?

In the crypt of the Garfield monument.

After sex, have you ever asked how did I end up here?

I don't drink Jack Daniel's anymore. Waking up with the Kiss midget is where I draw the line.

What are you most afraid that a partner might think about you?

The usual fears of a woman

who's had kids.

Send expressions of outrage to:

scene@clevescene.com

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