The political world was shocked recently when Ohio Sen. Rob Portman announced that he would not seek reelection in 2022. While Republican leaders mourned his exit, they also say it’s an opportunity to upgrade to a “louder, more depraved senator, in keeping with the times.”
“Look, I love me some Robby P,” said state party Chairwoman Jane Timken. “But he would only debase himself by standing idly by while the country burns. This is our chance to get someone who will actively debase himself.”
A rundown of the leading contenders:
Upside: Former state treasurer best known for his only passing acquaintance with the truth
. A twin threat skilled at both milking corporate donors and trafficking in anti-Muslim propaganda
Downside: Party’s surging anti-Semitic wing may not warm to a Jewish candidate. And will Trump evangelicals back a man with just one divorce
Upside: Expert at the single key to the GOP’s future: Stop people from voting. The secretary of state is a wunderkind of ballot suppression
, from limiting absentee drop boxes to purging voter rolls.
Downside: Lazy. Still let 2.6 million Ohioans vote for Biden in 2020.
Upside: The kind of wealthy white woman
Republicans desperately need to appeal to female voters. Believed capable of pulling off the Kelly Loeffler Maneuver
, in which a millionaire society matron pretends to be a frothing redneck who lives in a shack in the woods.
Downside: Called the Capitol terrorist attack “un-American” and says “violence is not and never is the answer.” May be coming to take your guns.
Upside: Savior of the 1 percent. A Cleveland investment banker who firmly “firmly believes that we need more businessmen involved in politics.” Appeals to elderly voters by spinning old school conspiracy theories, such as accusing Sen. Sherrod Brown of communist sympathies
for studying Russia in college.
Downside: Unaware that Russia is now our BFF. Part of Radical Leftist Agenda to raise taxes
Upside: Former Ohio House speaker and antidote to gridlock. Managed to push $1.3 billion welfare package
for nuclear plants through the state legislature. “Gimme a suitcase full of cash, and I can get any bill passed,” he boasts.
Downside: Currently under indictment
for racketeering concerning said welfare deal. Facing up to 20 years in prison. Limited phone access could make fundraising difficult.
Upside: State senator from Tipp City beloved by GOP’s white nationalist bloc. Still calls Black people the “colored population.”
Was fired from job as Dayton doctor due to racist statements. Naturally promoted to chairman
of the Ohio Senate Health Committee.
Downside: May not be racist enough. There’s no evidence that he’s ever terrorized neighbors of a differing national origin. Conspicuous no-show at major cross burnings.
Upside: State representative from Urbana and master of performative outrage. Voted
“least effective” and “least savvy” member of the Ohio House; too inept to cause any harm. Leader of the GOP’s anti-science wing
. First to warn that kids who tested for Covid were being taken to “FEMA Concentration Camps.”
Downside: Unwilling to travel to D.C. due to risk of falling off the end of the earth. Republican base thinks he’s Mexican.