Police Renew Search for Sen. Rob Portman’s Missing Testicles

click to enlarge Police Renew Search for Sen. Rob Portman’s Missing Testicles
Sen. Rob Portman, official headshot

It’s one of the most enduring mysteries in Ohio history: What happened to Sen. Rob Portman’s testicles?

Now, four years after they were officially declared missing, police have reopened the cold case.

Detectives say they were spurred by Portman’s silence over recent events in Washington, D.C., when President Donald Trump ordered peaceful protesters tear-gassed and shot with rubber bullets so he could hold a photo op at St. Mark’s Church.

Asked to comment on the violence, Portman simply told a reporter, “I’m late for lunch.”

Then, after retired Marine General James Mattis wrote that Trump is a threat to the Constitution, Portman feigned ignorance. “I haven’t read it,” he said.

“It’s clear the senator’s been thoroughly emasculated,” said Lt. Zeke Williams of the D.C. Police Department. “If we can reunite him with his testicles, we hope he can finally begin the long road to recovery and restore his courage.”

The tragic saga began in 2016, when Portman first reported them missing.

Initially, police weren’t overly concerned. The senator had long been estranged from his testicles, which had frequently run away in the past. Detectives assumed they would eventually reappear, however fleetingly.

Yet as the months wore on, the investigation took a darker turn. Portman first claimed his testicles may have gone on vacation without telling anyone. Later, he suggested they were kidnapped by terrorists opposed to his ongoing fight to provide tax cuts for the wealthy.

But when both scenarios were ruled out, Portman abruptly lawyered up, refusing further cooperation with investigators.

These days, even close friends have taken to calling him “Senator Eunuch.” As recently as Memorial Day weekend, Portman was again silent after Trump tweeted that a 72-year-old woman was a “skank,” falsely accused a former Republican congressman of murder, and tried to incite a scandal involving Barack Obama by simply attaching “gate” to the former president’s name.

Privately, detectives admit there’s little hope his testicles are still alive. They also suspect Portman may have been involved in their murder.

“That’s the theory, that he either whacked ‘em or had someone do it for him,” said one officer not authorized to publicly comment on the case.

Police recently used cadaver dogs to search the backyard of pharmaceutical lobbyist’s summer home in the Hamptons. A warrant was also issued at a Goldman Sachs office in Connecticut. There, police discovered the mummified remains of Sen. Lindsey Graham’s testicles – missing since 1978 — but the search for Portman’s came up empty.

In a prepared statement, Portman spokesman Biff Wellington denounced the investigation as “ridiculous. The senator’s cowardice should not be conflated with any suggestion he murdered his balls. It’s a simple case of cowardice, nothing more.”

Police, however, are not convinced.

Said one officer: “We’re working on the assumption that he conspired with known associates – hedge fund managers, private equity firms, or someone else with an interest in having another ball-less senator out there. We don’t know if they’re buried under some Chamber of Commerce office, or if a UnitedHealth exec has ‘em mounted on the wall of his hunting lodge.”
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