Presidential Aspirants Coming to Cleveland for Festival of Empty Promises

Starting Thursday, a cabal of politicians will descend on downtown Cleveland to discuss earth-shattering news: Apparently, American manufacturing is kaput. Since this comes as a surprise to no one but people who have never held a screwdriver, those are the folks who’ve been invited to speak. The forum, organized by the Steelworkers, will feature such luminaries as Senator Joe Biden, John Edwards, Elf Dennis Kucinich, Rep. Stephanie Tubbs-Jones, and even Hillary Clinton. As far as we know, the Crowne Plaza ballroom has never before contained such a large volume of hair product and ego. If we’re lucky, Kucinich will accidentally injure himself while posing for photos with a blow torch. If we’re not, we’ll have to settle for the same old empty promises about the revival of the Rust Belt. But there’s an upside here. The public is not invited. Happy birthday, America. – Lisa Rab

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