As state health director, Dr. Amy Acton gained national renown for her fight against Covid, which has killed nearly 5,000 Ohioans. Yet conservatives bucked at her craven attempts to save their lives.
She was called a “tyrant” and a “globalist,” smeared with anti-Semitic vitriol
. Armed men even protested outside her Bexley home. In June, Acton finally came to a realization: If she couldn’t meet the exacting scientific standards of people with few teeth, she had no business practicing medicine. The doctor resigned.
Last month, Gov. Mike DeWine found a replacement: Dr. Joan Duwve, the chief public health official in South Carolina who also formerly served Vice President Mike Pence in Indiana. But only hours after DeWine announced her appointment, she too resigned.
Officially, Duwve claimed fear of “harassment.”
Unofficially, say sources, she worried conservative leaders would soon discover she’s a woman.
Republican officials reject the implication. “We knew she was a broad all along,” says Senate President Larry Obhof. “We could tell by her picture.”
Contrary to widespread opinion, he says Republicans don’t have a problem with women in general. It’s just when they achieve positions of authority. “If Acton would have worn a little more makeup and deferred to the men in the room, everything would have been fine,” Obhof explains. “But she wouldn’t even get coffee.”
Now Republicans are insisting on a health director “who only talks about abortion. We’d prefer a man because, well, he’s a man.”
Women get “too emotional” when a few thousand people die, adds Rep. John Becker (R-Union Township). “They’re genuinely sad. And they might want to do something about it, without first thinking of how it might affect the stock market.”
Both legislators wish DeWine would make selections more like former Gov. John Kasich. He appointed Turnpike Director Rick Hodges to lead the health department, since running a tollbooth and fighting a deadly contagion are practically the same thing.
Becker points out Covid didn’t dare rear its head around Hodges, who is a man. So it’s “a little suspicious” that it only showed up during Acton’s reign. “Coincidence? I don’t think so.”
His thoughts are echoed by Rep. Candice Keller (R-Middletown). She’s considered the Legislature’s foremost abortion foe. She’s also a proud fiscal conservative.
“When we say ‘pro-life,’ we mean ‘unborn lives,’” says Keller. “Once they get born, we can deprive them of government services. It doesn’t cost us anything. But Covid patients run up thousands of dollars in unpaid hospital bills. You just can’t economically justify caring about them.”
Keller believes dealing with these hard truths is best left to men. Stunted emotional development allows them to prioritize money over “traditional family values” – a phrase meant to be a soundbite, not a practical approach to life.
“A woman’s place is in the home. Cleaning,” says Keller. “Except for some women. Like me.”
Rep. Nino Vitale was Acton’s biggest critic. He calls her a “hypocrite,” wondering how many people she may have infected with “girl’s germs.” The Urbana Republican is now pushing DeWine to fill the post with a constituent, Jake Merriman.
A plumber by trade, Merriman achieved modest YouTube fame for his thoughts on masks (“SJW virtue signaling”) and male supremacy (“Why are Urbana chicks so stuck up?!”). His hobbies include skeet-shooting and archery. But his biggest selling point is an absence of ovaries, says Vitale.
“You think Covid wants to take on a guy like that? The hoax gets one look at Jake’s compound bow, and it’s hightailing it back to China. If the babes were still here, they’d prepare a guest bedroom.”