Sammy Gets Totally Street!

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We Read America's Worst Columnist, Sam Fulwood III, So You Don't Have To Headline: Justice denied interracial couple Date: March 8, 2007 Topic: Sammy writes about the acquittal of Cleveland cop William Forrest — a.k.a. Notorious White Guy -- who was charged with inciting a 2005 fight with Aric Jackson — Unnotorious Black Computer Geek — at the Castlebar, a West Park cop joint ["Love and Hate," February 1, 2006]. It seems Forrest, fellow cop Pete Turner, and the bar's owner weren't happy that Jackson showed up with his white girlfriend and her cousin. (In case you're scoring at home, that's 1 black guy and 2 white chicks, a double felony.) Forrest and Turner proceeded to start a fight. Though badly outnumbered, Jackson proceeded to kick their ass. The judges gave Jackson a 10. The cops were sent to remedial Golden Gloves classes. They can know hold their own against 5th graders from Chardon. Originality: 0/10. Having fey little Sammy write about bar fights is like hiring the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency to coach the Browns' defense. You know this is gonna go bad. Difficulty: 5/10. Sam had to kick it into overdrive to come off as a Realistic Gritty Urban Columnist. Behold this bad boy: "If courtroom justice had been served, Forrest would be wearing an orange jumpsuit and riding the short bus to the hoosegow." Now that's totally "street!" Sam Gets Poetic: "So while I didn't like the verdict, I'll cut Corrigan a slim sliver of slack because hope remains that Forrest will be punished." Ladies and gentlemen, we haven't seen that kind of alliteration since the storied Lincoln Elementary writing contest of '82. The Master Has Spoken: "In this case, the brawlers were cops spoiling to fight a black man cheeky enough to escort a white woman into a well-known police hangout." C'mon, Sam, the guy just kicked the shit outta two cops, and all you're gonna give him is "cheeky"? Is that even a compliment? Give the man his props! What Sam Reveals About Sam: "I expected a different outcome and the obvious facts in this case justified it:" Apparently Sam is the last guy in town to believe the Cuyahoga County court system actually renders something akin to justice. Here's a tip: The judge's name was Corrigan. Does this mean: A) We elected him because we thought he was the next Thurgood Marshall or B) We'd even elect a dead guy named Corrigan, knowing the dead guy would do twice the work.
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