We Read America's Worst Columnist, Sam Fulwood III, So You Don't Have To
Headline: Tough talk that's worth repeating
Date: April 3, 2007
Topic: Last Thursday PD reporter Joe Guillen covered a speech by Forest City honcho Sam Miller, during which the
rich old codger touted "regionalism" as the only way to save Northeast Ohio. Miller called us all "confused" and "apathetic" for paralyzing the region by not working together. Never mind that Miller, a man who's pillaged the city for the last 50 years, is one of the main reasons suburbs will never share with the city. (Think of the career bank robber complaining about National City's security.) But he does by a lot of full-page PD ads to loudly demonstrate his beneficence! And this is one of those big picture ideas that Sam can yammer on about for an entire column without presenting an original thought!
Originality: 0/10. Just what the fans were asking for: Another generic column on regionalism, with the same arguments you heard two years ago, repackaged for your reading pleasure!
Difficulty: 0/10. Sam does a great job cribbing the story (Guillen's name is never mentioned). As you know, the best cut-rate columnists are measured by their ability to blather -- without clarifying the subject or offering any new ideas — and here Sam proves he has no earthly peer.
Sam Gets Poetic: "Confusion comes easily when an unworkable definition of regionalism is the coin of the realm. The common distortion seems to be that regionalism must be a form of uni-government, the merging of city halls from Sandusky to Akron into a single behemoth." This from the guy who probably caused half the "distortion" after proposing last year that Cleveland merge with East Cleveland.
The Master Has Spoken: "Whenever I've written about this topic, the angry calls and letters flood in from people who live both inside and outside Cleveland. They howl in protest that I dared to put the r-word in a family newspaper." Translation: Christ, please send me lots of angry letters so I can use 'em to fill my next column. This one took a lot out of me. I need a rest.
What Sam Reveals About Sam: He's on the front lines of contemporary public policy -- and did he mention he could really use your angry letters?
CliffsNotes Version: Cheryl, check the list. Who hasn't paid yet? Baird — check. Vinella — last week. Dissell — damn. And then some. Guillen! Joey G, whattya got for me? Nothin', huh? How 'bout if I just re-arrange some of the stuff on your desk? Still nothin'? Damn, it's a shame that cup of coffee has to spill down the back of your monitor! You got one last chance, punk, before this whole muthafuckin' shelf comes down! Oh, lookee what we got here — a speech by Sam Miller! And the old dog's talkin' that dirty r-word! That'll get the phones smokin'! See you next month, bitch!
