See What Shocking Stuff Our I-Team Uncovered at a Strip Joint!

When the Stripper Bill was passed, many believed it would kill Ohio’s Gyrating Naked Lady trade, believed to be the state’s last healthy industry. New rules barred customers from touching the “entertainers” and forced the women to no longer be naked after midnight. So C-Notes set out on a recent night to see how these draconian new laws were effecting naked ladies and the middle-aged businessmen from Columbus who support them. When we arrived at an undisclosed club at 7 p.m., it was business as usual. Woman wearing only garter belts were doing pole gymnastics and caressing customers to a melodic symphony by Color Me Badd. The manager declined comment on the bill, as it was slated for court the next morning, where the industry would challenge its constitutionality. But we did manage to squeeze one mind-bending claim from a veteran Goth-themed dancer. Quoth Raven: “It hasn’t affected me, because I don’t use nudity to attract customers.” So we returned at 12:30, expecting to find puritan dresses, organ music, and nuns passing out St. Philomenus trading cards. Instead, we found totally naked ladies grinding on customers to Depeche Mode. Judging from this club, it appeared the Cleveland branch of the stripper industry may not have received the memo. C-Notes planned further investigation of this brazen lawlessness, but after buying two $9 tequila sunrises, our I-Team budget was spent for the year. We will resume our startling investigation come January 1 if sufficient funding arrives. – Gus Garcia-Roberts
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