Senator Rob Portman Attempts to Fart Through the Eye of a Needle

Senator Rob Portman Attempts to Fart Through the Eye of a Needle
Gage Skidmore/FlickrCC

Trump carried the mediocre state of Ohio by about the same 8-point margin he did in 2016 while losing the nationwide popular vote and the projected Electoral College result by a handy margin.

Since Saturday, when every news outlet including Fox News projected Biden's victory and made the former Vice President the President-Elect, Trump has whined and cried foul, throwing conspiracy theory shit against the wall like so much fast food-induced diarrhea.

This has put Republicans across the country in the precarious position of acknowledging the fact of the loss and decrying the seriously deranged lies about voter fraud or playing footsie with the lies. The solution for many has been to inelegantly attempt to both sides the issue, which again pits a pretty sizable and definitive win against baseless accusations of fraud. Trump isn't going anywhere anytime soon, and neither is his hold on the Republican party, and his base is going to vote in upcoming elections that Republicans want to win while challengers emerge from the right.

Which is how we get statements like this from Sen. Rob Portman, who chimed in today on the 2020 presidential election with a delicate attempt to fart through the eye of a needle. The trick here is sounding plausibly level-headed and Senatorial while saying nothing, or at least nothing that could anger MAGA land. It's a treacherous maneuver, a solid 9 on the difficulty scale, especially compared with the relatively easy alternative of simply telling the truth in clear language.

Behold Portman's sulfurous performance:

With historic turnout across the board, it’s clear that the American people were fully engaged in this election. The strong turnout for both candidates and both parties is a healthy sign for our democracy. Along with more than 71 million Americans, and a majority of Ohio voters, I supported President Trump.

Right now, former Vice President Biden is leading in enough states to win the presidency. But there are still votes being counted. In this close election, President Trump has every right to insist that all legally cast ballots are counted. He also has the right to appropriate recounts and the right to go to court to resolve any questions about irregularities. At the same time, the Trump campaign has an obligation to come forward with evidence to support any allegations of election fraud.

Allowing a fair and transparent process at this juncture is important to providing Americans more assurances of the integrity of the election and helping the country heal after a contentious campaign. I hope the states and the courts will move expeditiously to a resolution.

It appears his balls have once again gone missing.
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