Shocking Revelation: Ann Coulter is a Closet Dyke!

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When someone is very homophobic, sometimes the reason is that he/she wishes to hide a same-sex preference. And the most outspoken are the most closeted conservatives. Take actor Rock Hudson and Roy Cohn (chief counsel to Sen. Joseph McCarthy) as examples. It’s about time to expose another of these individuals, one who feels at ease using the “F” word. And no, we’re not talking about Isaiah Washington from “Grey’s Anatomy.” And the "F" word we're talking about is faggot. We’re talking about that closeted lesbian Ann Coulter. Now, the first thing you want to know is how do I know she’s a lesbian and not a man. Let’s be clear: She is a lipstick lesbian and prefers butch women. Mostly on the plump side, these gal pals are disguised as her “female security.” Off hours, they usually wear plaid and can be found working on Ms. Coulter’s plumbing. At times, Coulter can be heard from her hotel room screaming, “Yes, work that drain hole.” Ms. Coulter’s support of Mary Cheney’s new baby should not be confused with the idea that she wishes to become just another pregnant lesbian herself. She rejected that path after numerous attempts with the turkey-baster method. And like the vice president’s daughter, she does not believe in the new domestic-partners legislation legalizing lesbian marriages, and therefore does not wish to give birth to a bastard. The same sources who exposed to me Coulter’s dykedom also explained that one of the cases that she travels with is dedicated to sex toys. I appreciate that those sources did not reveal the specifics of the toys, other than to suggest that the items in the case where as sharp and large as her tongue and, thanks to the Department of Homeland Security, have problems passing security through at airports. In reality, this is a satire -- or a rant -- but in proportion and with the same intelligence as the ones that Coulter uses to attack anyone in the public eye with a progressive or liberal political bent. It is my intention that portions of this column find their way into urban myth and that some fools believe this kind of garbage so that the lesbian Ms. Coulter gets a dose of her own medicine. Mark Segal Philadelphia Gay News
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