Spoons Stolen from Garfield Monument, Fireball Found Nearby

The NEOMG's Adam Ferrise reports that the Garfield Monument at Lakeview Cemetery in Cleveland Heights has been burglarized. The visible casket of President Andrew Garfield remains intact, but several commemorative spoons are missing!

Cigarette butts and a bottle of Fireball whiskey were located nearby by responding police and have been sent to the crackerjack Cleveland Heights forensic team for DNA testing.

"Drop what you're doing," Scene imagines police chief Jeffrey Robertson saying, via loudspeaker or megaphone. "I want every man and woman on this case, and I mean on the double."   

According to Ferrise, reports say police believe the person "broke in through a broken window" — Not exactly Sherlockian stuff, given that the window was broken and shattered glass was everywhere, scattered around a bottle of Fireball.  

Cemetery employees did alert police that they had fired an employee the day before, one who had demonstrated "extreme opposite behavior," compared to his normal demeanor. No word, in the reports, about what the normal demeanor was. 

For now, the spoon thief remains at large, but we'll be following the case closely. Given the Cleveland Heights' Police Department's sterling track record, this guy ought to be found in no time. Justice will be swift and without mercy. 

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Sam Allard

Sam Allard is the Senior Writer at Scene, in which capacity he covers politics and power and writes about movies when time permits. He's a graduate of the Medill School of Journalism at Northwestern University and the NEOMFA at Cleveland State. Prior to joining Scene, he was encamped in Sarajevo, Bosnia, on an...
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