Springtime for Cleveland and Cum Trees

click to enlarge Springtime for Cleveland and Cum Trees
Avia Venefica, FlickrCC

Perhaps you haven't noticed because you've been obeying Ohio's stay-at-home order, but springtime in Cleveland is coming and the surest way to confirm that news is to walk by any local Bradford pear tree, which is, and has been for the last ten days or so, enthusiastically indicating this truth.

Their pungent, distinctively semen-y wafts have been disgusting bystanders in America since they were brought over by the U.S. Department of Agriculture from their native habitat in China some 70 years ago. Since then, Americans have realized that not only do they smell bad but that they are particularly virulent, sprouting just about everywhere you don't want them to and dominating whatever they come into contact with, nature wise. They're also able to do that while being shockingly weak themselves, with branches brittle enough to be snapped easily in mildly stormy weather, like the male ego itself.

The invasive species has largely fallen out of favor since the 1980s when it was planted everywhere, but plenty of suburbs still line subdivisions with this hideous tree and its funk, which isn't even its worst quality.
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Vince Grzegorek

Vince Grzegorek has been with Scene since 2007 and editor-in-chief since 2012. He previously worked at Discount Drug Mart and Texas Roadhouse.
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