Thanks for the Invite to Your Republican Coke Orgy. I Have Some Questions

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click to enlarge Can I do key bumps with Jim Jordan? - Gage Skidmore/FlickrCC
Gage Skidmore/FlickrCC
Can I do key bumps with Jim Jordan?


Dear Sen. McConnell:

It sent my heart atwitter to receive your invitation to the Republican cocaine orgy. To hear Rep. Madison Cawthron tell it, you guys rage! I’m so excited my wife called an ambulance! (Just kidding. Who can afford an ambulance, LOL?!)

Here in Ohio, our orgies are pretty staid. Someone brings a twelver of Keystone, we flip back and forth between Tucker and Pornhub, then everyone calls it a night. I’m sure yours are far more glamorous! And I have so many questions! Do you mind?

What are we looking at for go-time?
Here at the local County Republican Club, we usually hit Shenanigans for Jaeger bombs first. Do you guys pregame? And is 6:30 too late to get to Portman’s house?

Is it BYOB on the coke?
I’ve been cruising the middle school since your letter arrived, but I have yet to find a pusher. (I did score an 8 ball of baby formula. FYI: It doesn’t get you very high.) Is it cool to bring a green bean casserole instead? I don’t know about you, but a man can work up a heaping appetite after horn dogging it with some ag lobbyists!

Can I do key bumps with Jim Jordan?
Or does that require a VIP pass? Judging by how he’s always raising holy hell on C-SPAN, I bet he has a sweet connect for Peruvian Marching Powder! (I’ll settle for Don Jr. as a backup. Are you worried he cuts his coke with fentanyl?)

Do I have to orgy with Ted Cruz?
He strikes me as a selfish lover. I like to cuddle afterward.

Will Lindsey Graham be there?
Or does he host a separate orgy for self-hating gay men?

Should I be worried about my performance?
I do curls to keep the pipes looking good. But is there a cardio workout you can recommend?

I assume it’s whites-only?
You guys seemed pretty adamant about that during the Ketanji Brown Jackson hearings. It does feel like a conflict of interest to orgy with people one day, then have to dog whistle them the next.

Will President Trump show?
The missus was hoping to get some makeup tips!

Is there a safe place to keep my wallet?
I hate to belabor the Cruz thing, but if he steals my AARP card, I’ll pay 10 percent more for my trip to D.C. That’s fiscally irresponsible!

Thanks for indulging my questions, Mitch. Folks here are so jealous! I can’t wait to show a selfie of me and you around church! (Sorry if we can’t go au naturel. Pastor Bob’s a huge fan. But he wouldn’t want you stealing the Lord’s thunder!)

Yours in getting our freak on,

Brad
Chairman of the local Ohio County Republican Club

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