The Comedy Issue: Seven Things Rich People Do That You Aren't Doing

Stop thinking about your bank account and start living, because that's what a rich person would do. Rich people don't worry as much, and that's why they're rich. As Americans, we know great financial success is just around the corner. You're only one lottery ticket, one simple invention, one slip and fall on some city-owned stairs away from becoming flush with cash. All you have to do is wait with the right attitude, and you'll become the kind of person you've always known yourself to be: rich, and better than your neighbor.

To get yourself started, it's really a matter of changing some habits that are holding you back. Let's take a look at these seven simple things rich people do, that you don't.

Number One: Rich people rarely check their bank account balance.

Rich people don't check their bank account balance very often. And when they do, they don't cry, dry heave, or wince. If you do have to check your balance, train yourself to steel your nerves beforehand. Maintain a poker face when both those digits look you in the eye. Will this make you instantly rich? No, but it will let the universe know that you can't be slowed down by low funds. You're only better than the banks and their rules if you think you are. This is something rich people have known for a long time.

Number Two: Rich people make large purchases without a second thought.

When you make a large purchase, try not to throw up. It's hard, but you can do it. Have you ever seen a rich person buy something? I have. They don't even blink. Before I learned better, I'd lose my lunch any time I bought something over thirty dollars. Right there in the store. Even if it was something I needed. Not only was it embarrassing, but it was also not cost-effective, seeing as I'd lost valuable calories. Calories that had to be replaced with food I would have to purchase. Hopefully for a sum low enough to keep the whole thing from happening again.

Number Three: Rich people fall asleep soundly, without a care.

Don't think about your finances when you're lying in bed about to fall asleep. Rich people don't do that. You do, and it keeps you up well into the night. It causes your back to spasm and your eyes to twitch. If you have trouble relaxing, try meditating. It's free and even some rich people do it. If that doesn't work, try reading the Wall Street Journal, or one of those papers that has the stock market stuff in it. Rich people are always doing that, and it's very dry stuff. It will put you to sleep incredibly fast. 

Number Four: Wake up gradually and peacefully, without a care.

Don't wake up screaming the crust from your eyes. Wake up nice and easy. Allot yourself that extra time. Get one of those jobs that just doesn't give a shit if you show up on time. If you show up a little late, claim to also be working late. That's how rich people do it. And get someone to bring you breakfast. Rich people do this often, and it seems to really help.

Number Five: Live in house that's very large.

I knew a rich guy once, and he lived in a six-bedroom house, but it was just him and his wife, who lived in Milan half the year. If you're living in a place that's too small, or your wife doesn't go to Milan half the year, you're going to have a hard time clearing your head. And you can't think about getting rich if your head is full of roommate bullshit.

Number Six: Eat fresh vegetables.

You never see a really rich person slamming Pringles like a long haul trucker. If you're hungry, eat a vegetable. Rich people learned long ago that a healthy diet of fresh foods and lean proteins helps you get richer. That's why you see them eating stuff like that all the time. It looks weird to us because of the variety of colors and textures, but it's actually really good for you.

Number Seven: Be super good-looking without really trying.

I saved this for last because it's a big one. Have you ever noticed that a lot of rich people are also undeniably, physically attractive? It's another long-held secret, many of them are totally hot. There are some that aren't, but if you notice, not a lot of other rich people talk to them the same way. And they think it's funny that they're rich. If you want to get richer, you have to get invited to rich people parties, and they're not going to invite you if they consider you a joke. So just be very symmetrical and well-distributed, and moisturize. Rich people are never dry.

Give these seven things a try, and you'll be surprised what you find. You're just as good as all those rich people, and the world is going to know it pretty soon.

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