The Elf milks Casimir Pulaski

Casimir Pulaski was a Polish military officer who joined the American colonists during the Revolutionary War. It's said that Ben Franklin himself recommended to George Washington that Pulaski be added to his cavalry. After saving Washington's life at the Battle of Brandywine, Pulaski was made a general and formed his own cavalry. He beat the British into kielbasa in Charleston, South Carolina, then mounted an assault on Savannah, Georgia in 1779, which cost him his life. A monument to Pulaski was later built in Savannah, followed by a flurry of cities, counties, schools, roads, parades and bridges nationwide bearing his name. And since 1977, Pulaski Day has been celebrated twice a year, in March and October. That still wasn't enough for Dennis Kucinich. There are almost 230,000 residents of Polish descent in Greater Cleveland, which means there may be as many as three who, having yet to grasp English, could vote for Kucinich by mistake while trying to punch the ballot for Barack Obama. So for two years, the congressman has sacrificed precious seconds from his usual quest of vain ambition to milk the legacy of this immigrant war hero. Finally, he's broken through. House Joint Resolution 39 promises to best all the geographic, cultural, and infrastructural tributes by making Pulaski an honorary U.S. citizen posthumously. It's the equivalent of trying to sign a washed-up ballplayer for a day so you can say they retired with your team. — Jason Nedley
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