Hey you. You are fat. Don't shake your head, you are. Are you kidding? You know it, we know it, and now, again, the country knows it. Fatty. A big ol' fatty rhino person.
We know this hurts, so we'll bring it out quickly: another national fitness magazine has come out with a list of the fattest cities in America, and Cleveland is in the top five — actually, we took home the bronze. This award doesn't even come with a floor prize, like a bunch of gym memberships or a shipment of hot sauce. We are just fat, this magazine has decided, ha ha on us. We're guessing the guys who compile these lists are a bunch of gym-polished former Ivy rowers who hash it out over a kale lunch in the conference room, thinking back on where the fat guys on the All Campus Greek Council were from.