Translated: Romeo's Last Press Conference

Team security didn't bar Romeo Crennel from Browns headquarters Monday so, barring a last-minute staph infection, his job appears... not completely unsafe. But at least he was down to his last press conference of the year with the foggiest beat writers in football, none of whom, sadly, are expected to be cut for salary-cap reasons. Crennel wasn't asked once about Sunday's catatonic loss to Houston, since holding the ball for forty minutes without scoring a touchdown would have been way too Tampa Bay. Instead he was pumped for pink-slip gossip, the assemblage of hacks settling, finally, for the likelihood he'll be asked only to whack a few assistants. Then, of course, because it's easier to downplay pervasive suckitude and pin a four-win season on scandalous immaturity, Crennel took a few more inane questions about Braylon Edwards. For the last time this season, C-Notes translates... Question: How far off is this team from the playoffs, as of today? Romeo: "When you look at the record, we are still a long way away. We are playing in a tough division, but I get encouragement that we were competitive with at least two of the divisional opponents — at home, anyway. If we get to the point where we can win some of those divisional games, we are going to be a lot closer than we are right now." Translation: To mask my contempt for the sheer stupidity, I'm going to remind you nicely that we didn't win a single game within our division. And we were crazy lucky in the ones we barely lost. But I guess you want some statement of measure, so I'll give you one. If Derek Anderson planted his size 16s up your rearsky and we duct-taped the laces to the team bus, the mileage from Berea to the stadium before the skin on your feet was gone... you know, whatever that is in wins. Q: How will you convince Randy Lerner that the team will win next season? Romeo: "I think people understand we are starting from scratch to build a program. Realistically, you can't expect that to happen overnight. Last month the film We Are Marshall came out and as I watched the flyer from that movie, the program was eliminated because all the players were gone. That's what has happened with this team." Translation: To launch the second annual campaign to save my job, I'm going to compare rebuilding the Browns to a college team. To President Lerner and our proud alumni, let me say this: My job here is still just beginning. We're like Marshall was, except for the team plane's been crashing for seven years. Q: Do you think you'll be asked to make changes you don't want to make? Romeo: "We're going to talk about that and we'll see what changes I might be asked to make." Translation: Who am I, Bill Parcells? They're going to sit me down, show me a list and that's who gets clipped. Jeff Davidson? Toast. Ben Coates? Ben fun. Terry Robiskie? We stopped paying him Butch's last year. It's either that, or in six months Roger Brown gets to tell everybody what my house went for... -- Jason Nedley

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