WANTED: BASTARDS

Are you a bastard? Scene seeks an actor for a new short video series, "Ask a Bastard." Must be able to deliver long lines, laced with both big words and obscenities, with confidence and a pleasing sneer. (Think Denis Leary, Lewis Black, Chris Rock, Patton Oswald.)

To audition, send an mpeg of yourself reading the text from any two of the exchanges below to [email protected]. Please write "ask a bastard" in the subject line of your e-mail. Videos will become the property of Scene, and we may post them online.

Dear Bastard: My boyfriend wants me to go to a strip club with him and get a lap dance. I admit I'm kind of curious, but I'm bothered by how excited he is about it. That seems wrong. What should I do?

Dear Dumbtard: Here's a short and incomplete list of things guys like: 1) Watching strippers. 2) Watching chicks getting it on. 3) When the chicks they sleep with are cool with porn and strippers. You haven't indicated any problem with your BF going to a strip club as such, and you admit to curiosity yourself, but you object to your BF being excited by you in a strip club? Don't be a dumbshit. He's trying to include you in an activity he enjoys. If you're kind of curious, fucking go with him and get a lap dance. Nobody's forcing you to go back a second time if you're not into it, right? On the other hand, if you're the type of GF who's gonna point at every dancer in the place and ask your man if he thinks she's hotter than you, spare him the hassle and stay the fuck home. Strippers are hotter than girlfriends. That's their job.

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