Welcome to a Terrifying School Year at Ridgeview High in the Midst of a Pandemic

Welcome to a Terrifying School Year at Ridgeview High in the Midst of a Pandemic

Welcome, students! How wonderful it is to see you all so eager to learn! I’m Mr. McGill. I’ll be your homeroom teacher.

Before we get started, a few housekeeping matters are in order.

First, there seems to be some confusion over our mask policy. You may have received an email stating that masks are required. This was sent in error before Tammy’s father, state Senator Williams, threatened to cut district funding. So just to be clear, the official policy is that we’d really like you to wear a mask, but exceptions will be made if your liberty is infringed, or you don’t have one that matches your outfit that day.

Now I’m sure you’re aware that reopening Ridgeview during a massive outbreak poses unique challenges. But the school board insists there’s absolutely nothing to worry about and is taking every precaution to ensure a safe learning experience. Though an official prevention plan is still being formulated, it will likely consist of that plexiglass barrier you now see above the main desk. Our head custodian, Mrs. Watson, has also been given a case of Clorox Fresh Scent. I’m told it has a delightful fragrance.

In keeping with the board’s Strategic Budgeting Opportunities Initiative, Vice Principal Carbo’s brother-in-law, who worked in medical supplies prior to an unfortunate termination, has generously offered us thermal screening devices at a discount. On the days he doesn’t call in sick, Mr. Carbo will be performing temperature checks at the main entrance.

One small side note: Only belatedly did Principal Garcia discover these devices are the subject of a class-action suit brought by the attorneys general of Maine and Illinois. If you experience high fever, please deposit yourself in this shopping cart before reaching unconsciousness. I will be asking for volunteers to wheel you down to the waiting line outside Nurse Mendelsohn’s office.

You should know that budgeting opportunities also require us to share Ms. Mendelsohn with nine other schools. Her office hours here at Ridgeview are from 8 a.m. to 11 a.m. on Tuesdays. Plan your sicknesses accordingly.

Let me stress that we at Ridgeview have the utmost concern for your mental wellbeing. If you’re feeling anxious or uncomfortable in any way, you’re encouraged to visit Ms. Fleming in the counselor’s office. She will be happy to explain how missing class wreaks havoc on our per-pupil funding formula.

As you become sick throughout the year, the tentative plan is to break into smaller study groups. Those experiencing lung damage will gather in the hallway, socially distanced from construction debris from our new athletic facilities. Students suffering neurological problems or the loss of cognitive functions will meet in the gymnasium, where they will watch TV. The rest of you will cower together in your assigned classrooms.

Should at any point your teacher die, Principal Garcia hopes to have a substitute within 30 business days, though she anticipates the pool of replacements may be limited this year. If shortages render a substitute impossible, she asks that you select a new teacher among yourselves through a tournament of rock, paper, scissors. Robby Swanson is strictly ineligible for obvious reasons.

We’ll also be adding new procedures to our active shooter training. In the event of an attack, Officer Hodges, our school safety liaison, urges you to cough in the general direction of the gunfire.

Now a brief word on extracurriculars: In keeping with our Sensitivity Mission regarding community stakeholders, the Ridgeview Rams football season will be played in its entirety. All other activities are canceled.

Finally, if you or your parents have any questions or concerns, you are invited to submit them in writing to our attorneys at Shaw, Shaw & Margolis.

We hope you have an enriching learning experience at Ridgeview this year.

Good luck and may God have mercy on our souls.
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