Why I, the Great Mike DeWine, Am Against Student Loan Forgiveness

Because a good conservative always punches down.

click to enlarge Why I, the Great Mike DeWine, Am Against Student Loan Forgiveness
Photo by Nick Evans, Ohio Capital Journal

When I, the great Mike DeWine, heard that the failing Biden administration was forgiving a portion of some students’ college loans, I shook my granite fist and said, “Gosh darn it, this looks like something I can exploit in the culture wars!”

That’s why I’ve joined 22 of my fellow Republican governors in demanding that senile Joe Biden stop giving away money. Because nothing says I’m fighting for you like co-signing a strongly worded letter.

As you may know, Let’s Go Brandon is forgiving up to $10,000 in loans for struggling students. Up to $20,000 for students who get Pell Grants! You know who gets Pell Grants? Poor people who major in Women’s Studies and are too lazy to get two or more jobs! That’s who!

Officially, our reasoning is this: Decrepit Old Biden wants the lowest income Americans to pay off the debt of an “elite few,” such as doctors, lawyers, and professors. Unofficially, that’s a lie! People making more than $125,000 aren’t even eligible! But my supporters don’t know this. All they know is that someone perceived to be lower than them is getting something they aren’t.

Because a good conservative always punches down.

This isn’t to say that Mike DeWine, Modern-Day Lincoln, is against charity. Did you know that I’ve spent $173 million subsidizing two failing coal plants? And that one of them isn’t even in Ohio?

Or that I’m giving $2 billion to Intel to build computer chip factories outside Columbus?

Or that I gave General Electric $98 million to add 300 jobs in Cincinnati? That’s $326,000 per job!

But it’s one thing to offer a hand-out to Chad. He can make $15k at Discount Drug Mart just walking in the door! It’s quite another to help General Electric CEO Larry Culp. Did you know he’ll only make $11 million this year? Down from $22 million last year? Just because his stock has tanked by 31 percent doesn’t mean he should live like a pauper!

That’s why you didn’t hear a peep from Mike DeWine, Christ-Like Figure, when Leftist Joe Biden was forgiving those Paycheck Protection loans during Covid. The guy was raining cash on corporations all over Ohio! But that was for a good cause. Like subsidizing any risk associated with business.

Chad got $600 to play hacky sack on the quad. In what world is that fair?

Back when I was Mike DeWine: Hard Working College Edition we didn’t need handouts. I put myself through law school working weekends at Old Man Benson’s ice cream parlor. Just because tuition has risen by 567 percent since then doesn’t mean these college punks can’t pay their own way. Here’s a solution: Just work 567 times harder! Duh!

The people of Ohio are tired of hardly giving any money to those who need it least.

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