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Thursday, November 16, 2006

Sammy Weeps for the PD's Downsized!

Posted By on Thu, Nov 16, 2006 at 6:19 PM

Headline: Colleagues leaving the saddest news Date: November 15, 2006 Topic: This week, Sam laments the loss of staff as The PD goes through layoffs. He launches by cribbing an old poem, then tries to compare the buyouts of his cubemates to the trench warfare of World War I. In between we're ambushed by another mortar shell — the loss of Sam's journalistic innocence... Originality: 0/10. Somewhere Ted Diadiun is getting that not-so-fresh feeling. Difficulty: 2/10. Sam's jerked awake by the low whistle of cardboard boxes being filled. For six years he's been their best buddy. Now he must describe not what they're going through, but what it's like to be Sam seeing other guys give up their jobs. Sam Gets Poetic: "While I don't fully understand the economic reality that made this necessary, I know more about it than I want." Credit Sam for having the courage, once again, to empathize with narcissism. The Master Has Spoken: "Good journalism is expensive to produce, but the company felt the need to cut costs. It wasn't personal; it was business." After busting out some tired poetry, Sam becomes the 896,536,351st guy to invoke The Godfather line. The freshness meter dives through the floor. What Sam Reveals About Sam: That he hopes writing this column makes it okay he never fessed up to all the departed whose voicemails he accidentally deleted while scraping for column fodder. CliffNotes Version: Damn, this newsroom's startin' to get a little thin. Makes me thankful I've still got a job. Cheryl? I'm still not fired, right? Research that. So hard to look busy while... what's-their-names are being escorted out, the crybabies, but I've got to try. Maybe report the truth about newspapers. Wait till people find out they're in it for the moolah! Yeah, that's an idea! Gotta stay low inside my cube, too, so they'll think I'm all-out leggin' a scoop. Damnit! Can't they pack those boxes a little more quietly? Keep that clapping down, too! It's like a ... war in here! That's it! I'm a metaphoristical genius!

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