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Tuesday, December 5, 2006

Fulwood Watch: Sam discovers that people get old

Posted By on Tue, Dec 5, 2006 at 1:15 PM

Headline: Daddy's just fine; how are your folks? Date: December 5, 2006 Topic: Tre's dad ("The Deus") is getting old, and Sammy is feeling pangs of guilt because he doesn't visit him enough in North Carolina. Solution: write about him from afar. Originality: 3/10. As Sammy himself points out, it has been a full year since he last wrote about his ailing father. For a man whose been known to write a three-part series about his voicemail messages, this has gotta count for something. Difficulty: 10/10. "It isn't easy for me to write this," Sam claims. But an independent reading of the story uncovered no evidence of anything resembling actual work, so we'll just have to take Sam's word. Sam Gets Poetic: "The folks at the Western Reserve Area Agency on Aging back me up, noting that a high percentage of the population in Northeast Ohio is elderly and getting older." Sam's apparently discovered that, as time passes, people age. The Master Has Spoken: "More than any single topic, dear readers want to know more about my father." Which means that The Deus' popularity now outstrips Stephon Marbury's new shoes, Krispy Kreme donuts, and newsroom researcher Cheryl's most recent musings. Somebody get this dude a MySpace page! What Sam Reveals About Sam: As he goes about his daily life, he must navigate a gauntlet of well wishers who all want to ask him about his father's health. Or maybe they're asking about the new Big Daddy Kane record. CliffsNotes Version: You may not have figured it out from the gray hairs in the mugshot atop this column, but I'm no spring chicken. And my father, well ... he's even older. I saw him during a recent holiday and thought that his sagging visage revealed one of life's great truths: Getting old sucks. And yet, recent statistics show that as many as 100 percent of us may be getting older with each passing day. The problem is particularly acute among minorities. That said, please stop asking about my dad. He doesn't live in Shaker Heights anymore, and I can't afford the long distance. Fucking Verizon.

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