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Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Sammy Discovers Juvenile Crime!

Posted By on Tue, Jan 23, 2007 at 3:44 PM

We Read Sam Fulwood III So You Don't Have To... Headline: Juvenile justice needs an overhaul Date: January 23, 2007 Topic: Echoing the paper's lead Sunday story, Sam writes that Ohio's juvenile justice system needs an overhaul. He's not sure how to do that, but he thinks it should involve marching on the state capitol with torches, because how cool would that be? Originality: 1/10. A point to Sam for not copying and pasting the contents of his email inbox into a column. He's done it so often lately, we actually were longing for that other Sammy standard: recycling one of his colleague's stories as a column. Now that we've read it, we're longing to get hit by a city bus. Difficulty: 2/10. No, retreadding your colleague's work ain't like building a deck or nothing. But give Sam credit: This is the Sunday paper he's cribbing from, and his assistant has Sundays off. Plus, have you lifted the Sunday paper? It's pretty heavy. Sam Gets Poetic: "I can't understand why folks aren't marching on the state Capitol with pitchforks and torches." Well Sam, you see ... it's just that ... in 2007 ... umm ... Oh, fuck it. This is brilliant. Onward, to Columbus! The Master Has Spoken: The "do-nothing citizens of Ohio have the power to demand that officials make the needed changes. If we fail, then we are responsible for the self-destructive cycle that traps our children." In summary, get on that people! And let Sam know how it turns out, preferably in an email of about 500 words with a few quotes from public officials. Add a catchy headline and Sam will send you an autographed business card. What Sam Reveals About Sam: "I've sat in on the proceedings at the Juvenile Court on East 22nd Street. I've walked through Public Square and overheard the endless stream of profane chatter spilling out of the mouths of babies." And I've thought to myself, Thank God I live in Shaker! This is scary! CliffsNotes Version: Ahh, nuts. Is it Sunday already? Did I sleep through Saturday again? Must have. And now there's only one day to write a "column" for those "bosses" at the "paper." This is really getting old. Maybe I should get my real estate license. The guys on the For Sale signs always look so cheerful. They must not have to get up in the morning. Is there some kind of test for that? I'll have to have Cheryl look that up. Anyway, a column. Hmm. Do I still subscribe to that newspaper? [Looking hopefully out the window]. Guess I do. If I could only train you to bring that in for me, little Sammy! That would make you a much more useful pup! Yes it would! Hmm, what's this? Some kind of big story about kids and jails or something? Reminds me of the time I got lost downtown and all those crazy youngens started swearing at me. I could write about that. That was frightening! I wonder if realtors ever have to go downtown?

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