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Thursday, March 29, 2007

Sammy III: Our hero finds a new colleague to steal from!

Posted By on Thu, Mar 29, 2007 at 6:05 PM

We Read America's Worst Columnist, Sam Fulwood III, So You Don't Have To... Headline: A wake-up shout for a troubled city Date: March 29, 2007 Topic: As reported two days earlier by City Hall reporter Susan Vinella, Sam writes that black members of Cleveland's City Council are tired of being blamed for everything. He then rattles off all of Cleveland's problems, because nothing fills up 500 words faster. Originality: 2/10. Shockingly, this was entirely new ground for Sam. A review of previous Fulwood Watch entries reveals that he's never before ripped off Susan Vinella. He's branching out, people! Difficulty: 5/10. Sam painfully recreates Councilwoman Sabra Scott Pierce's outburst at Monday's meeting, giving the distinct impression that he had left his house to attend the meeting. Fulwood Watch was about to draft a press release to announce this groundbreaking discovery — "Local metro columnist leaves house for something other than Stuffed Crust Pizza�" — but then a real reporter pointed out that the meetings are televised. Still, when measured in Standard Fulwood Energy Units, changing the channel from How I Met Your Mother is akin to a regular reporter infiltrating a Baghdad prison. Five points to Sammy! Sam Gets Poetic: "The normally reserved Cleveland city councilwoman suddenly pushed back from the table and stood up to maker herself larger. Her eyes blazed. Her fingers waggled in the air. Her voice trembled with rage. ... Suddenly, that handsome blond fellow who used to play Doogie Howser entered the bar, hit on a pretty white woman, and had a drink thrown in his face. The studio audience roared. Wait? Did I change it back to How I Met Your Mother again? Damn it!" The Master Has Spoken: "You can hear it, too, if you care enough to listen to what so many of those living in Cleveland's black communities are saying." Really. You can. Just go to Tower City or something. Sam, for one, will be in Shaker Heights where it's safe. What Sam Reveals About Sam: Somebody taught him how to dial out. CliffsNotes Version: Hmm. Interesting. Says here that the black folks on the city council are all upset about something. Too bad this newspaper doesn't have a black columnist to rip off this girl's reporting and eek out a shitty column interpreting these angry black people for all the ignorant honkies out there. Wonder why that Phil Morris isn't on this one? Wait a second! Aren't I ... [Running to mirror] ... I am! I'm black! And aren't I ... [Googling himself] ... I am! I'm a columnist! A black columnist! But wait. I can't just copy and paste this woman's story into a column. Last time I did that the bosses liked it so much they tried to give me a raise. I don't need that kind of pressure. What if I just ... [Googling "everything that sucks about Cleveland"] ... yes! That's it! I can just paste everything that's wrong with Cleveland into a column, sprinkle in some quotes from the councilwoman, add a dash of excessive adjectives, and Voila! A ready-made column! No wonder that Morris kid is still writing for Opinion. He's got no hustle, I swear.

An early tip on coming feasts

Posted By on Thu, Mar 29, 2007 at 5:28 PM

Springtime always brings a crop of food-related benefits. Here's three to consider: The Greater Cleveland Chili Cook-Off from 6 to 9 p.m., April 17, at the Terrace Club at Jacob's Field: This is the second year for the event, which benefits the Autism Society of Greater Cleveland. The draw, of course, is the chance to sample dozens of chilis -- mild to hot, meaty to vegetarian -- cooked up by a crew of both amateur and professional range riders. Among the pros, look for Michael Longo (ML, Bainbridge), Larry Coffman (Blue Canyon Kitchen, Twinsburg), and Nolan Konkoski (Momocho, Ohio City). Among the judges: Nick Kustala (Lure, Willoughby), Shawn Monday (Downtown 140, Hudson), Ben Bebenroth (Spice of Life Catering), Brian Doyle (World's Fare Culinary), and yours truly. The suggested donation of $15 not only gets you plenty of red, but also live entertainment, door prizes, and a chance to win a ride on the Goodyear blimp. Cash bar. Order tickets online, or by calling 216-556-4937. An Eggstraordinary Feast, the North Union Farmers Market's annual spring fundraiser, will run from 6:30 to 9:30 p.m., April 23, at Eton Chagrin Boulevard in Woodmere. This is a new location for the ever-expanding throw down that helps support the region's family farmers. Among the 25 chefs offering taste-tempting morsels: Karen Small (Flying Fig, Ohio City), Adam Gidlow (On the Rise Bakery, Cleveland Hts.), Matthew Mathlage (Light Bistro, Ohio City), Doug Katz (Fire, Shaker Square), and Luigi Iannuvario (Bice, Tower City). Ticket prices start at $80, and include an open beer-and-wine bar, valet parking, market membership, and live entertainment. To reserve tickets by phone, call 216-751-7695. Finally, here's early warning for Scene's Tasteful Affair, 7 to 10 p.m., May 17 at Windows on the River, in the Powerhouse. Now in its fifth year, the food-and-spirits sampling features signature dishes from more than 20 top hotspots. New this year: an Iron Fork competition, starring eight local chefs in a toque-to-toque smackdown. Advance tickets for the 21-and-over event are $30 each, or four for $100; click here to purchase, or call 216-721-5722 ext. 445. (Tickets at the door are $40.) A portion of the proceeds goes to benefit the Western Reserve Historical Society. Look for more details in Side Dish as the date nears. -- Elaine T. Cicora

Mikey G's Weekend Entertainment Picks

Posted By on Thu, Mar 29, 2007 at 1:33 PM

Neko Case
This weekend's top arts and entertainment picks around town, from the guy who's paid to pick them: Friday: Of all Bob Marley's kids who are making music, Stephen Marley sounds the most like his dad. He's also the one who comes closest to Bob's aesthetic ethos. His just-released debut album, Mind Control, is a simmering mix of reggae rhythms and hip-hop beats. He has his dad's social spark, dropping rhymes with spiritual and political smarts. He's at House of Blues tonight. Saturday: The Great Lakes Science Center opens the cool traveling exhibit Baseball As America today. It includes a bunch of memorabilia from Cooperstown: the trophy given to Lou Gehrig at his Yankee Stadium send-off; record-breaking home-run bats used by Babe Ruth, Roger Maris, and Mark McGwire; and a chunk of the left-field wall from Boston's famed Fenway Park. There are also tons of baseball cards, clothing, and equipment on view. Sunday: We prefer the fun and bubbly Neko Case of the New Pornographers to the torch-country Neko Case who makes solid solo records like last year's Fox Confessor Brings the Flood. Either way, we love us some Neko Case, who has a solo show at the Beachland tonight. --Michael Gallucci

A moment with Badfish and Scotty Don't

Posted By on Thu, Mar 29, 2007 at 1:27 PM

Money Where Your Mouth Is: Scene's music writers are so busy salivating over the new Bjork album that they're just turning the podium over to Tony Clifton, who plays in both Badfish and Scotty Don't, and will be be rocking the House of Blues (308 Euclid Ave, 523-BLUE) tonight. Clifton thinks you should come see him Band: Badfish Hometown: Providence, RI Sounds like: "The vibe of Sublime." Why you need to see them: "Each show is like a reunion, bringing people together from all around to celebrate the music, the culture, the sty-lee that is Sublime. Plainly put, Badfish is just a few fans whose mission is to keep Sublime's legacy rollin'. These show's being put on by Badfish: a Tribute to Sublime are a guaranteed good time. So come on out and raise a drink, or roast a bowl for the one and only Bradley Nowell and keep Sublime Alive!" Band: Scotty Don't Hometown: Providence, RI Sounds like: "The head of Bob Marley, the rhythm of G-love, the heart of the Chili Peppers, and the soul of Sublime, garnished with a touch of the blues." Fun Fact: "Scotty Don't is a magnifying glass focused on life. The good, the bad, and the ugly are all touched upon here. We can show you that the sad can bring good, there's humor in fear, and at the end of the day, we all want the same thing: some damn good music to call our own!" Why you need to see them: "Who wouldn't want to see a few skilled, down-to-earth dudes rock the stage for an evening? These boys can produce a vibe like no other! They're at the top of my list and they'll be making their way up yours before you know it. I guess the real question isn't so much 'Why go to see this band?' as much as it is 'Why haven't you seen them yet?' Don't make an excuse... Make a trip to the Don't show!" --Tony Clifton, Badfish/Scotty Don't

Cleveland Heights: A self-reflection free zone

Posted By on Thu, Mar 29, 2007 at 1:22 PM

I work in Cleveland Heights in the Fire Department ["Paradise Lost," March 21]. We have seen in just the past few years an increase in violence, drug overdoses, gang activity, and fires (from lack of upkeep of property and education on safety in the household). For us it is job security. It is sad, but the city council seems to ignore or refuse to acknowledge there is a problem. Rather than talk about the growing problems, they debate other issues and pat themselves on the shoulder about ratifying the Kyoto Treaty or making Cleveland Heights a "Nuclear Free Zone." Last year alone there were almost a dozen and a half shootings (several people are REALLY lucky to be alive) and we had over 20 stabbings, and over 200 assaults! We call the neighborhoods north of Mayfield Road "The NOM" (pronounced like the war). It stands for "North of Mayfield," and it describes the goings on there perfectly. A war zone every day, but you never hear or see about it in the news, so it goes ignored. The media tends to shy from REALLY looking at Cleveland Heights, andthey do a great job of PR at City Hall. Good article. It's too bad that Cleveland Heights will ignore these issues still. Liam Cleveland Heights

Free-Music Thursday: Dropgun

Posted By on Thu, Mar 29, 2007 at 1:06 PM

Got a jones for some brass-knuckle bar-punk? Dropgun returns to the stage Friday, March 30 at Annabells (784 W. Market St., Akron, 330-535-1112). The band's last LP was 2005's solid-as-hell Devil Music, and the band has finally posted some new songs on its MySpace page. "We'll probably keep doing that for a while," guitarist Paul Hooper says of the free-music campaign. "Lately I've been in the mood to just give out the stuff for free online. People seem to like it. I'm sure we'll get around to putting a new record together, but nothing in the immediate future. I'm thinking that CD's are a slowly dying format. I am trying to decide if maybe we should do a vinyl 7" for collectors and then offer songs for download." Three quarters of the group also play in You Have Ten Seconds, a classic, blue-collar punk band that plays originals, Oi! classics, and favorites from Half Life, singer Jeff Lamm's former band. The band is also slowly chipping away at a record. "I think we may be looking at a EP-sized CD in the near future," says Hooper. "Hell, we may even do a vinyl 7" record. Maybe we'll just cater to the collectors. I have another song I'm mixing right now that I'm gonna put up on MySpace, and we have one or two more written that we haven't completely fleshed out yet." Click the video above for the group performing Half Life's "United and Strong." -- D.X. Ferris

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Don't let the door hit you...

Posted By on Wed, Mar 28, 2007 at 3:35 PM

Sally Florkiewicz hopes to share her gift for ineptitude with the rest of the community
Cuyahoga County Elections Board member Sally Florkiewicz has become the third member of the board to remove herself, following a swift kick in the ass by Secretary of State Jennifer Brunner. Last week Brunner ordered the four-member board to resign their positions, or she'd fire them. It's apparently a technique she borrowed from reality, where, unlike in the twisted world of Cuyahoga County, really sucking at your job doesn't get you a promotion. The two Democrats on the board, Ed Coaxum and Loree Soggs, stepped out of the way last week, leaving the Republicans, Florkiewicz and Chairman Bob Bennett, standing alone in front of the firing squad. In a written statement to the press, Florkiewicz says she will resign her post in order to "serve the community in other ways." She didn't elaborate on what those ways would be, but it's possible she may donate her brain to science so they can study the effects of doing nothing continuously for years on end. — Jared Klaus


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