Join the Cleveland Scene Press Club. Because No News is Bad News.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

America Celebrates Wage Hike By Throwing Out Those Crappy Oreo Rip-Offs

Posted By on Tue, Aug 14, 2007 at 5:11 PM

hydrox.jpg
In response to the recent wage hike, Americans are burning millions of Hydrox-brand cookies, those crappy generics your mom always bought when you weren't at the store to shame her into buying real Oreos.
Here in America’s Poorest City™, we’re celebrating the recent historic hike in the federal minimum wage, from $5.15 an hour to $5.85. As The Onion, the nation’s greatest newspaper, reports, these newfound riches will finally allow us to purchase items like Heinz ketchup and Tic Tacs. “Whether buying national-brand condiments, allowing themselves two additional squares of toilet paper, or paying for a few more minutes of drying time at the laundromat, the estimated 13 million Americans who subsist on minimum wages are getting a taste of the good life,” the paper reports. "And don't forget the economic stimulus this wage increase will provide,” it quotes House Speaker Nancy Pelosi as saying. “Already we hear that discount stores nationwide are selling out their stocks of flip-flops and the stiffer kind of paper plates." Perhaps now we can finally splurge on Walgreens-brand ice cream or a Rally’s burger with cheese. (Cheddar, everyone knows, is a signal that you've made it.) But we must be careful not to spend it all at once. It took a decade to get this damn raise, the Washington Post reports, and you can never be sure it will happen again. According to the legislation President Bush signed, the wage will rise to $7.25 an hour by the summer of 2009. Then, and only then, will we be able to go anywhere near Target, where even the most thrifty shopper can go in looking for oven mitts and come out with new sheets, a copy of Eat, Pray, Love, a flat-screen TV, a subscription to Real Simple, three new houseplants, a car battery, and, of course, no oven mitts. – Lisa Rab

We welcome readers to submit letters regarding articles and content in Cleveland Scene. Letters should be a minimum of 150 words, refer to content that has appeared on Cleveland Scene, and must include the writer's full name, address, and phone number for verification purposes. No attachments will be considered. Writers of letters selected for publication will be notified via email. Letters may be edited and shortened for space.

Email us at news@clevescene.com.

Cleveland Scene works for you, and your support is essential.

Our small but mighty local team works tirelessly to bring you high-quality, uncensored news and cultural coverage of Cleveland and beyond.

Unlike many newspapers, ours is free – and we'd like to keep it that way, because we believe, now more than ever, everyone deserves access to accurate, independent coverage of their community.

Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing pledge, your support helps keep Cleveland's true free press free.

Read the Digital Print Issue

September 23, 2020

View more issues

Newsletters

Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.

Calendar