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Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Survey says: The happiest kids are rich, white, and abstinent

Posted By on Tue, Aug 21, 2007 at 9:14 AM

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Shocking news: kids whose families own lake houses are happier than kids whose families don't.
A recent poll by the Associated Press and MTV, reported on the front page of yesterday’s Plain Dealer, confirms what scientists, sociologists, you and all your friends, many small children who haven’t learned to form words yet, and several varieties of miniature schnauzer have known for years: kids are happier when their lives are better. This earth-shattering revelation was news at the Plain Dealer, which was shocked to learn that children actually enjoy spending time with their families -- information that flies in the face of the Dick Feagler Theory, which states that after 1945, every child born just wants to party, have unprotected sex, and keep him awake all night with their “hippity-hoppity music.” The PD dispatched star reporter Jesse Tinsley, chief of the paper’s Really Obvious Shit Bureau, who ventured deep into the hollows of Brecksville and Bedford to capture his subjects in the raw. The canned quotes he found, which sound like they were taken from Vietnam POWs while having bamboo reeds shoved into their fingertips, may shock you. “It makes me happy to see other people happy,” said 13-year-old Darren Benton, who says he likes watching his father perform in a local reggae band. “A purpose-driven life is usually what makes me most happy, ” said Cait Kennedy, an incoming freshman at DePaul University. Fascinating! Yet the survey also uncovered some troubling facts – namely, that white children report being happier than black or hispanic children; rich children say they’re happier than poor children; and kids on drugs and alcohol report being happy less often than kids who are substance-free. However, in related news that we made up but are pretty sure is true nonetheless, it should be noted that kids currently drunk and high are much happier than kids who are not. This was not in the actual survey, but was derived from data collected in a separate study, “Conclusions and Observations from Jared Klaus’ Childhood, 1984-2001." – Jared Klaus

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