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Friday, September 7, 2007

Show, Don't Tell: How Larry Craig can convince the world he's not gay

Posted By on Fri, Sep 7, 2007 at 10:59 AM

Larry Craig: one lawsuit from away from getting his career back.
Idaho Senator Larry Craig outed himself last weekend, and now his political career is over. He didn’t out himself as a homosexual – that disposition came to light when he got busted cruising for some manly love in a Minneapolis airport bathroom. No, by declaring his intent to resign once his indiscretions made the news, he outed himself as a quitter. The American public can handle a homosexual Republican; take Alex Arshinkoff, or even Alex P. Keaton. But if there’s one thing voters won’t stand for, it’s a waffling quitter. If Craig had a little more good ol’ American stick-to-it-ive-ness, he could have turned this situation around by now. Instead of spending the weekend showing every how wishy-washy his was, he could have been well on his way to dispersing news of his heterosexuality. But he made a critical strategic blunder by merely declaring, “I am not gay.” It’s simply not enough to say it, Senator. You have to show it. But it’s not to late, Larry. That’s what this weekend’s for! All you have to do .. 1) Get busted for drunk and disorderly conduct at a nudie bar. Order a few lap dances, grope some strippers, and paw at them until the bouncers intervene. Once the bouncers intervene, start some shit. And after the cops haul your ass to jail -- and you’re done making friends with the cute Latin guy doing time for petty theft -- make bail. Then, make a public statement using exactly these words: “I apologize to the exotic dancers, and to my family. But I just love breastices so much, I get a little crazy. I’ll try to control myself the next time I go to a tittie bar -- which I do all the time, by the way -- and with Jesus’ help, I’ll definitely be able to quit this addiction maybe.” 2) Get busted with two or three hookers. Female ones. Once released, make the following statement: “When you’re a freak like me, after a while, one girl isn’t enough to get you going. I apologize to the hookers and their families.” 3) Run up a $7000 tab on, the alleged social networking website that’s actually a thinly veiled source for soft-porn featuring anorexic barely legal girls with hella tattoos and pierced nipples. (Or so we hear.) Once the tab has exceeded the domain of small-claims court, refuse to pay it. Make them sue you. Issue the following statement: “Dude, I spend a lot of time on money on Suicide Girls, but no way did I spend seven grand. According to my meticulous records, it’s only, like, fifty-five hundred. This is some bullshit. I mean, seven grand? The free shit there is amazing. What do I need seven grand of Quicktime movies for?” Those sure don’t sound like the words and actions of a gay man, Senator. Now, as for ditching that GOP stigma – you’re on your own, pal. – D.X. Ferris

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