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Friday, November 30, 2007

Abstinence Groupies Plead: "Give us our money back!"

Posted By on Fri, Nov 30, 2007 at 4:13 PM

Most people living in this century realize that, as birth-control methods go, ordering your kids to not have sex is about as effective as urging freshly inseminated sperm to "Turn around! No! The other way!" But the good folks at the National Abstinence Education Association just haven’t caught on yet. For years, groups like theirs have spent barrels of state and federal money on abstinence-only education, despite the fact that no one’s sure such programs actually, um, work [“Keep Out!” November 3, 2004]. But last summer, Ohio Governor Ted Strickland shut down the no-sex party, striking from the state budget a requirement that taxpayer sex-ed money be spent on the chastity-only programs. Now, the Plain Dealer reports that a National Abstinence group is lobbying to get the money restored. "We are compelled to make Ohio citizens and parents aware of the tragic decision Gov. Strickland made to eliminate a clear abstinence message for teens,” said Valerie Huber, the group’s executive director. Translation: Throw us some dough, people. Soon. Or you will have some very poor, very frustrated virgins to deal with. -- Lisa Rab

When it Comes to Being Really Sad, We’re Number 7!

Posted By on Fri, Nov 30, 2007 at 12:23 PM

For you downers who were upset about Cleveland falling from number one to number four in the “poorest city rankings,” here’s a stat that might cheer you: In a first-time ranking of the most and least depressed states, Ohioans have been named the seventh most depressed. (If you believe Men's Health, it's probably because we don't drink enough.) Mental Health America, which issued the report, studied state statistics on depression and suicide rates from 2002 to 2006, and concluded that living in a state with approximately one month of sunny weather makes you want to desperately jump off of a tall building. According to the report, many, many Ohioans have experienced “serious psychological distress,” and at “least one major depressive episode in the past year.” We’ll drink to that! -- Rebecca Meiser

Diversion of the Day: "Discovery May Help Fat Asses Everywhere"

Posted By on Fri, Nov 30, 2007 at 12:18 PM

Fat Kid Successfully Avoids Ridicule By Swimming With Shirt On Today's brief refuge from those damn TPS reports is brought to you buy the Onion, and Brian, the fat kid who refused to take off his shirt. -- Joe P. Tone

NPR Reviews Britney Spears: “The technological jingle-jangles tickle our earlobes!”

Posted By on Fri, Nov 30, 2007 at 11:26 AM

Sources say Britney Spears bet NPR's Ken Tucker that he would never review her album. The loser had to shave his or her head.
NPR is best known for broadcasting bedtime stories about striking female cab drivers in Pakistan. Which is why, listening to the station while driving yesterday, I almost hit a tree when they aired a review of Britney Spears’ newest opus. Like the New York Times reviews of Lil’ Wayne in which they call him Mr. Carter, Ken Tucker’s dissection of an eight-babied white trash queen’s work is hilarious because it’s somebody really smart talking about something really dumb. The glowing review is clearly written by a man having his first experience with Timbaland, and contains such gems as “It tickles my ears to listen to the clever use of technology,” noting an auditory appreciation of “witty jingle-jangles and an inexorable, irresistible beat.” “From the trade music publications I read,” Tucker relays, “[it’s] a good dance club album, for those of you that go out at night and use music for fun and courtship.” I won’t ruin it all for you, though—you’ll have to listen yourself. Just in case, first find some Saran Wrap and barf-proof your keyboard. -- Gus Garcia-Roberts

Sober? Cleveland? How Dare You, Men's Health!!!

Posted By on Fri, Nov 30, 2007 at 10:03 AM

The editors of Men's Health have named our fair city everything from stupid and stressed-out to fat and toxic. But nothing offends like the title they'll be dropping on Cleveland in next month's issue: the 16th most sober city in the country, which is kind of like saying LA is one the cleanest cities in America, or Parma one of the safest. (Oh, wait ...) And how did Men's Health come up with this blasphemous accusation? According to a Plain Dealer article, the magazine devised its rankings by comparing national data on everything from alcohol-related deaths (from things like liver disease), drunken-driving arrests, and MADD regional report cards. But it appears that Men's Health has a bit of trouble analyzing data, or else they would have taken into consideration a few key factors about Clevelanders. For one, we don't die of liver disease, because we aren't pussies. (OK, we probably get do liver disease. But we don't bother to tell anyone). We're professionals when it comes to driving drunk -- plus, our police officers have bigger concerns than Wes and Wendy West Side driving home from the bar, like murder. And our mothers don't whine about drunks, because they're too busy getting smashed with us. C-Notes firmly demands a retraction to this libelous, false accusation. To the editor's of Men's Health: You can find us at Little Bar if you'd like to apologize in person. Shots of Jameson on you. -- Denise Grollmus

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Without Further Ado, the Most F'ed Up PSA You Will Ever See

Posted By on Thu, Nov 29, 2007 at 2:26 PM

When we’re not downloading new Wu-Tang tracks, catching up on what Zooey Deschanel’s been doing lately, or, you know, working and stuff, we spend most of our 9-to-5 checking out online PSAs. The above is our current fave, courtesy of, some sort of bat-ass crazy workplace safety group out of Canada. -- Michael Gallucci

No Reservations: Tables at Lola are growing scarce

Posted By on Thu, Nov 29, 2007 at 1:18 PM

Rumors of an eight-month wait notwithstanding, it’s still possible to snag a table at Lola, Michael “Iron Chef” Symon’s flagship restaurant on E. 4th St. Just don’t plan on getting in at 8 p.m. on a Saturday night. Following Symon’s ascension to the position of Next Iron Chef – and his first televised victory, on Nov. 18, as defender of Kitchen Stadium – Lola has become a top destination for foodies far and wide. As a result, prime-time dinner hours are pretty much booked up through mid-January. But for diners who simply must have those beef-check pierogies, crispy sweetbreads, and smoked Berkshire pork chops with cheesy polenta, there are alternatives. For instance, consider a late-night visit, after 10 p.m. or so; as of today, at least, such tables were still available. Or consider dining on a weeknight: Mondays and Tuesdays are historically less hectic. Or be daring, and just stroll on in; in case of a last-minute no-show, you could get lucky. And if all else fails, belly up to the handsome bar, where seats can be had on a first-come, first-served basis. Skipping dinner and aiming for lunch is yet another option, although staffers report the walk-in trade is growing fast. Still, we had no trouble scoring hypothetical reservations via Open Table for two people at 1 p.m. on Dec. 5. And, finally, if your schedule is flexible, consider getting on the waiting list; in case of cancellations, staffers will give you a call. --- Elaine T. Cicora


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