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Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Just in Time for the Holidays: Get your kids the pervert-finder!

Posted By on Wed, Dec 5, 2007 at 4:29 PM

Whoever said Cleveland was suffering from brain-drain obviously hasn’t the local father who invented of the “OffenDar.” The man -- whose brilliance did not go unnoticed by Channel 3 has developed an electronic device, about the size of a computer battery, that detects the signal emitted from ankle bracelets worn by sex offenders in some counties. (Cuyahoga isn't one of them. We just pay Jimmy Dimora's nephews to knock on their doors and make sure they're behaving). So how does it work? When a sex offender approaches within 75 yards of you and your child, his ankle bracelet will beep, thus alerting him that there is a person in the vicinity crazy and paranoid enough to purchase and carry around with him a modified metal-detector for child molesters. Should the pervert decide to stick around, the OffenDar will beep, thus alerting the paranoid pervert-hunter of his presence. The machine’s only glitch is that it can’t tell you who, exactly, the pervert is. Could it be the scraggly-haired old man shopping in the Gap for Kids store? Perhaps it’s the mall Santa Claus, a perv’s dream job. But one thing is for certain: Molesters tend not to target kids whose parents are following them around with a beeping box and shooting mean looks at passersby. Can you think of a better stocking stuffer? I can't. Log onto to pick up your very own crazy detector. Happy hunting! -- Jared Klaus

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