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Wednesday, February 6, 2008

On the next American Gladiators, things might get a little weird

Posted By on Wed, Feb 6, 2008 at 11:57 AM

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She's "bratty," she's a wreck, and she can tempt the opposite sex with the best of them. In other words, Lindsay Lohan is a shoe-in for the next Gladiator.
If you’re dreaming of being on next season’s reincarnation of American Gladiators, you’re going to need more than spandex, steroids, and a healthy appetite for attention. It seems as if the show’s producers want to spice up the show a bit, with a dash of Celebrity Rehab, a pinch of Super Sweet Sixteen, and a hint of that white powdery stuff stuck in Robert Downey Jr.'s goatee. In the 28-page application for the show – a moment of silence for the fact that the application is about seven times longer than that for most actual jobs -- you’ll find a section on specific skills that producers feel are needed to be a worthy contestant on the show. You’re supposed to rate your abilities from 1 to 7 -- 1 if you’ve never done it, 3-5 if you’ve done it "recreationally," and 7 if you’re world class at the given skill. ... Browse through and you’ll see lots of items that are relatively unsurprising – cliff diving, rollerblading, scuba diving, sky diving, street-fighting, and other skills conducive to getting your ass tossed off of a giant pyramid of padding. But there are some that are a bit, well, odd. The skills are listed alphabetically, so right between “base jumping” and “bungee jumping” you’ll see “being bratty,” and right between “motorcycle riding” and “rock climbing” you’ll find “risky behavior,” and right between “surfing” and “whitewater rafting” you’ll find “tempting the opposite sex.” Some questions: What makes someone merely “recreational” at risky behavior instead of “world class”? Is snorting coke off the cobra-tatted back of a stripper a 5 or a 6? Is using clean needles a 3 and dirty needles a 7? What about tempting the opposite sex? I would rate myself a 6 on that scale, but there are about 400 some-odd women, most of them congregated at bars named after jolly Irishmen, who I suspect would disagree. What’s an aspiring reality star to do? Moreover, what the hell does this all have to do with swinging across some shallow water on rings while trying to evade the grasp of something called Gemini? Even more moreover: When are those writers coming back again? – Vince Grzegorek

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