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Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Feagler: Vote Kucinich, unless you want to keep fighting guys in dresses

Posted By on Wed, Feb 13, 2008 at 5:44 AM

Today's topic: Dick still endorses Kucinich for president… I was at the coffee shop, and the guys all agree: We’re still voting Kucinich for president. Why, back in my day, we had real presidential candidates like LBJ and Nixon, not like these broads and negroes they have today. If Hillary was running for president back in my day, we’d tell her to quit with all the yammering and go make us some pancakes. And they better be those skinny kind, like they got in Sweden. And don’t forget the blueberries... Back in my day, we didn’t have negroes trying to be president either. They had jobs holding the door for you at Higbees, or maybe helping the missus carry her groceries. Sometimes they’d sing that “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” song, which is way better than the songs they have today. And we didn’t have negroes in fancy suits with foreigner names. We had Sammy Davis Jr., who really cracked me up, especially when he did his Groucho. But you didn’t see us trying to make Groucho the president. And back in my day, we had real war heroes, not like this John McCain they have today. Why, if you got caught by the enemy back in my day, you were a putz, a schlemiel, a hen for not going down fighting. And if you got stuck in the enemy camp, you’d create your own spy network to help our fighting boys, just like they did on Hogan’s Heroes. You wouldn’t move to Arizona and get a sissy job being senator. And back in my day, we would have never trusted no guy who lost 7,000 pounds, like this Mike Huckabee. Why, if you were a fat guy in my day, you would have walked around patting your stomach, saying funny things like “At least it’s paid for.” And you wouldn’t go around blabbering about your diets, unless you wanted the inlaws to think you were queer. Why, back in my day, we would have wanted a real man for president, like Dennis Kucinich. Okay, so he wouldda been bigger, or at least big enough so you couldn’t haul him around in your shirt pocket. And he wouldn’t talk so goddamned much, otherwise we wouldda smacked him in the head and told him to go play bridge with the ladies. But at least he’s against the war. Because back in my day, we fought real wars against real bad guys, like krauts and wops and Japs, not like these wars they have today against guys in dresses. Why, back in my day, if someone told us they wanted America to go fight some guy named Ahab in a dress, we would have punched his lights out and taken away his VFW membership… This has been another deep insight from Dick Feagler. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming...

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