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Monday, March 3, 2008

Feagler: TV is for the birds

Posted By on Mon, Mar 3, 2008 at 6:24 AM

Today's topic: With all this election nonsense, Dick’s been watching a lot of cable these days, and he doesn’t like what he sees … I was at the coffee shop, and the guys all agree: TV was way better back in my day. Why back in my day, we had exactly three channels, and we were damn glad to have ‘em. Yeah, sometimes the reception got a little dodgy, but you just sent your kid brother Biff up to the roof with some tin foil to fix the problem. Nowadays, if they see you with tin foil on your roof, the government stooges’ll peg you for a terrorist before you can say waterboard. ... And back in my day, the channels didn’t have any fancy-pants names that sounded like communicable diseases or explosive devices. They were all civil, too. Lucy and Ricky had their separate beds, just the way we liked it, and neither of them – let alone Ethel, who was a real cut-up – would have ever said a word like “butt,” unless they were talking about the business end of a Lucky Strike. And what’s with all the sex-talk nowadays? In my day, TV stars didn’t even have sex. Walter Cronkite never even bothered, 'cause it would have distracted him from being the pillar of the Goddamned Fourth Estate. They just don’t make ‘em like Cronkite anymore. Put him and Blitzer in what we used to call a situation room — two men, one bear — and see who comes out on top. Speaking of being on top, sex was way better in the old days. Because in my day, beds were manufactured out of American-grown, union-cut Oak, not those rinky-dinky metal contraptions Kim Jong Il ships over here. I mean, just try getting fresh with a gal on one of those -- you can’t get any leverage! Who do I look like, a Flying Wallendas? No sir. I’m pretty sure they were commies, anyway, and … This has been another deep insight from Dick Feagler. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming...

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