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Thursday, March 13, 2008

Feagler: They just don't stump like they used to. And speaking of stumps ...

Posted By on Thu, Mar 13, 2008 at 8:30 AM

Today's topic: Campaigning these days has really gotten out of hand … I was sitting at the coffee shop with the guys, and we all agreed: Campaigning for President these days is the work of the Devil himself. You don’t believe me? What happened after the skirt and the negro stopped by town for that exercise in word vomit? We had a snowstorm, an ice storm, a blizzard, and a giant geyser, and sinkhole in the middle of downtown Cleveland. Do you really need any more evidence that these calamites were brought to town on the backs of the political Mephistopheles? ... The guys and I couldn’t decide whether the plagues were coming to Cleveland simply because of the unholy debate itself, or because there was a black guy and a dame in it. Back in my day you didn’t have to worry about that. Every candidate was like us: old, white, and grumpier than heck. All that mattered was what kind of frank and beans you were carrying in your britches. I think I voted for a moose by mistake one year just because I was so enamored with what he was swinging below the belt. Needless to say, the antlers should have given it away; but we voted for FDR even though he never stood up, so who was I to criticize a candidate that was more comfortable on all fours? And back in my day, there was no lottery to hear a candidate speak. The railroad ran right through your backyard, so you could go hear a speech right after supper if the mood struck you. Sure, every politician gave a stump speech, but not these stump speeches that you have today that are all pre-written and rehearsed with talking points and crap. These were real stump speeches given on real stumps of real trees, not like these fake podiums and stages you have today. Why back in my day we had real American-made stumps, oak and pine and that sort of thing, the kind of wood that gave you splinters the size of a Chinaman. Not the chincy crap they make doors with today, that flimsy pres board the foreigners send over here, and … This has been another deep insight from Dick Feagler. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming...

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