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Thursday, May 8, 2008

Cavs-Celtics: You can only hope to contain Boston's go-to extra-terrestrial

Posted By on Thu, May 8, 2008 at 7:45 AM

garnett.jpg Tuesday’s loss to the Boston Celtics proved that it’s almost impossible to beat a team full of aliens, one tall, the other old. They intimidate, swarm, and always seem poised to kidnap Moondog, put him in a cryogenic freezing chamber, and keep him there for a decade alongside a collection of dairy cows. We watched in horror as Tall Alien gushed us for 28 points, 8 rebounds, 3 assists and 2 steals. He also inserted some sort mind control device into Lebron, causing him to play like the illegitimate child of Buck Williams and Toni Kucoch. ... Going into tonight's Game 2, the only thing scarier than his stat line is what he did in the fourth quarter. Tall Alien dominated the final few minutes, something he’s had trouble with throughout his career. C-Notes called Bob Sansevere, sports columnist with the Pioneer Press in St. Paul, where Tall Alien used to call home. We wanted an inside scoop on how the Cavs might hope to slow down this mythic creature. Sansevere, who watched Tall Alien blossom into a perennial first-round playoff loser with the Timberwolves, had these things to say: “Well first off, he’s a great talent. You can’t really stop him so much as you try to slow him down or negate what other players do around him. You also want to make sure that he is the go-to guy. He’s uncomfortable with that role. While Garnett (Tall Alien’s Native-American name) was a Timberwolf he didn’t want to take the game over in the fourth quarter. So make sure he has to be the leader in the fourth.” Before we could get in more, Sansevere abruptly ended the call. He told us he was in the middle of something, which we’re guessing had something to do with meatloaf, the staple diet of any good Minnesotan. Anyway, what’s scary about all this is that the Cavs followed Sansevere's advice during the first game and Tall Alien responded. If he continues to put forth consistent fourth quarters, and LeBron continues to play like Charles Barkley in Space Jam, then this whole season could end quickly, and then we’d have to listen to more taunts from BoSox fans from Parma. – Bradley Campbell


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