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Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Don King's fantabulanamous new video game

Posted By on Wed, Jun 4, 2008 at 8:11 AM

For Cleveland-born loon Don King, the subject of his magnitacular ruminations is of post-secondary importance. He could be promoting Mike Tyson, some Venezuelan welterweight, George Bush, or ketchup. What Don King is really promoting is himself. It’s worked so far. And for his latest project, he cranks the volume on his own self-Hypology. If only we could figure out what that project is. ... We got an e-mail that was either written by Don King or an employee paid to write like he talks, a position we’d take in a second. Whoever wrote it, they were indeed adaquetely splendifertastic:
“It is my extreme pleasure to personally introduce to you today the next great step in sports entertainment, the latest evolution in digital drama, the pinnacle of sports superbitude and the only game with fame to bear my name: Don King Presents: Prizefighter! Language lacks the power to express the sheer magnitude of magnificence emanating from this unparalleled sports entertainment experience, and what words cannot describe, only visuals can provide. To that end I am pleased to present you with a stellar collection of magnificent media designed especially to bring you into the awesome thrill and spectacle that is Don King Presents: Prizefighter. Prepare yourself for a graduate course in pugilistic perfection and epic gladiatorial combat as you immerse yourself in this seminal sports simulation.”
That’s just one of the paragraphs. It took me about five reads to figure out that Don King is probably making a video game. Confused, disoriented, and completely under Don King’s spell, I clicked on a link that took me to his new website. And then I didn’t do any work for a long, long time. The crazy site has a Don King Dictionary, a Poster Maker, a Nickname Generator—I got “Gravedigger”—and a feature where you can customize a nonsensical promotional rant in Don King’s voice, if your name’s listed. I had to settle for Gustavo. As for buying the video game, we’ll let Larry Holmes make the mistake of giving Don King money. But we like the website. – Gus Garcia-Roberts

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