Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Woman Arrested for Assault With Pitchfork, Sort Of

Posted By on Tue, Mar 22, 2011 at 10:23 AM


You can imagine how thrilled we, careful students and ardent fans of bizarre crime, were when we saw this first line from a Lorain Morning Journal story:

A 42-year-old Elyria woman was arrested and taken to the county jail for assault after allegedly knocking on her neighbor’s door with “the look of death in her eyes” and then sticking him in the chest with a “pitchfork,” police reported.

Boom. Perfect. What better to brighten a lousy Tuesday morning than a story of a modern-day witch, possessed and angry, showing up at a neighbor's door. Maybe she wasn't a witch. Perhaps she was just the lead in an angry mob and there would be more member from the community behind her, carrying torches and pitchforks.

The victim, 27-year-old Jonathan Warner, also called the weapon "the pitchfork from hell."

Alas, the Morning Journal was just cockteasing us, but the story's still entertaining.

It turns out the pitchfork wasn't actually a pitchfork so much as a marshmallow fork, making the whole incident seem a little less dangerous but a little more funny.

Wendy Fischer, the 42-year-old landlord of the building, was, however, carrying out some vigilante justice, or at least attempting to; she had previously called the cops to report a noise violation at the neighbor's abode. Not satisfied with their response, she grabbed the most vicious weapon she had in her house — that "pitchfork from hell."

Alas, it was to no avail. When faced with the woman with the "look of death in her eyes" and a marshmallow fork, the man simply took the fork out of her hand and called the cops.

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