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Friday, November 2, 2012

Letters We'd Like to Get

Posted By on Fri, Nov 2, 2012 at 9:51 AM


Dear Scene:

If I did empty a 55-gallon drum into a storm drain in Strongsville, it definitely did not contain cyanide. And no way was it the same punctured drum that investigators found at my home. Besides, I'm an invalid in a wheelchair, how could I push around a heavy drum full of toxic chemicals? I'm on dialysis, too. And suffering from Alzheimer's, so I don't remember what I did last week, much less in the spring. Need any more excuses? I got a million of 'em.

Renato Montorsi



Dear Scene:

Those scumbag Democrats! Imagine trading slices of pizza for votes. How low can they go? We never ply our voters with anything less than caviar with crème fraiche, or oysters on the half-shell, paired with a nice Chardonnay or Sauvignon Blanc. You want a big turnout, you have to put up big bucks. Just ask Karl Rove.

Bob Bennett


Dear Scene:

I guess I'm showing my age. When I said, "I'm 86 years old and happy to be anywhere" at the Rock Hall tribute last weekend, I should have added, "Happy to be anywhere that will pay me in cash." Also, I hope nobody minded that I couldn't quite remember all the words to "Johnny B. Goode." And that I botched the beginning of "Reelin' and Rockin.'" But at least I didn't pass out on stage, like I did in Chicago last year.

Chuck Berry

St. Louis


Dear Scene:

If Issue 2 passes, what you'll get is a bunch of clueless non-partisans in a secret room deciding how congressional district lines are drawn. But I already have a secret room set up in my basement, fully staffed and catered daily — why would we need another? My secret room is working great. I was able to get rid of Kucinich, wasn't I?

Speaker John Boehner

Safe in the Eighth


Dear Scene:

By now, all of Cleveland knows me as the RTA driver who got his fist unfairly struck by unruly passenger Shi' Dea Lane's jaw. At the recent union hearing on my reinstatement, Ms. Lane's lawyer asserted that RTA protocol "does not call for a bus driver to kick, punch and choke a female passenger before physically throwing her off a bus."

To which I can only respond: I did not get that memo.

Artis "Uppercut" Hughes

On the ropes


Dear Scene:

I'm going to need some quick cash on hand for the prison commissary, so I was thinking of selling a few personal items. Could you please list the following in your classified section: 378 pairs of glasses (I can make do with the remaining 129 I have), a steal at $78 each; radioactive metallic denim jeans, $600; a one-week discount guest pass at the Pier House Resort and Spa, Key West, $125.99.

Frank Russo

Federal Custody


Dear Scene:

Even in heaven, we were tuned in to the St. Edward vs. St. Ignatius game this past weekend. This was the 50th time the schools have faced off in their annual Holy War, and although our Wildcats (ranked No. 1) fell to the Eagles (No. 2) 20-13, it was a wonderful football game.

The very next day, that terrible business with Hurricane Sandy started. Almost makes you think God was mad about something. Hmm.

St. Ignatius of Loyola

The Pearly Gates


Dear Scene:

Northeast Ohio took the hit from Hurricane Sandy, and came through soaked but unscathed. Yet another piece of evidence supporting the Nature Conservancy's 2011 report which named Cleveland the best place to be when disaster strikes. Scared of hurricanes and tornadoes? Worried that the Mayans are right? There's only one place to live and work: beautiful Cleveland, Ohio!

Positively Cleveland

In the bubble


Dear Scene:

Christmas Ale season has started, and we'd like to thank everybody for their enthusiasm and support. It's basically what keeps this place afloat. And for what? Some honey, nutmeg, seasonings, and a little roasty, toasty malt? Seriously, thank you. No one drinks Edmund Fitzgerald or this other stuff. And shhh, please don't remind folks there are other seasonal beers out there, similar or even superior to Christmas Ale. Those brews don't have people writing songs about them, so they're not worth your attention.

A reminder: Six-packs will soon be available at your local stores. Bring the wallet!

Great Lakes Brewing Company

Ohio City


Dear Scene:

We see that Cuyahoga County has assembled a task force to combat infestation by Cimex lectularius, the scientific name for me and my friends. Perfect. When it comes to blood-sucking parasites, few places have more expertise than Cuyahoga County. Good luck, and don't let us bite.

The Bedbugs

In your mattress


We welcome readers to submit letters regarding articles and content in Cleveland Scene. Letters should be a minimum of 150 words, refer to content that has appeared on Cleveland Scene, and must include the writer's full name, address, and phone number for verification purposes. No attachments will be considered. Writers of letters selected for publication will be notified via email. Letters may be edited and shortened for space.

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