Support Local Journalism. Join the Cleveland Scene Press Club.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Ohio Blames Punxsutawney Phil for Faulty Forecast, Demands Death Penalty

Posted By on Fri, Mar 22, 2013 at 6:02 PM


Punxsutawney Phil, rodent weather oracle extraordinaire, done effed up this year—seriously, just look outside—and now Butler County, Ohio, is pissed on behalf of all Ohioans that Phil’s prediction of an early spring wasn’t exactly on point. The county’s prosecuting attorney, Michael Gmoser, filed an indictment, “The State of Ohio vs. Punxsutawney Phil,” that charges the little dude with “misrepresentation of early spring” and calls for the death penalty: “Since he's already serving a life sentence behind bars… there wasn't much left as far as a penalty other than a death sentence," Gmoser told Cincinnati’s Fox 19 News.

Our theory is that Dominion is manipulating the weather gods like the greedy, power-hungry puppeteer it is, and Phil is just a pawn in their sick game. That, or Phil did exactly what we do when we’re trying to hibernate and a bunch of guys dressed like 19th century railroad barons knock on our cages with enameled canes and demand that we prophecy vague meteorological phenomena—we get grumpy and confused.

Since Punxsutawney Phil has historically performed with a pitiable 39% accuracy rate, we propose finding a less fat and sleepy arbiter of spring tidings, maybe someone who dabbles in uppers and actually belongs behind bars. Like Lindsay Lohan.

We welcome readers to submit letters regarding articles and content in Cleveland Scene. Letters should be a minimum of 150 words, refer to content that has appeared on Cleveland Scene, and must include the writer's full name, address, and phone number for verification purposes. No attachments will be considered. Writers of letters selected for publication will be notified via email. Letters may be edited and shortened for space.

Email us at [email protected].

Support Local Journalism.
Join the Cleveland Scene Press Club

Local journalism is information. Information is power. And we believe everyone deserves access to accurate independent coverage of their community and state. Our readers helped us continue this coverage in 2020, and we are so grateful for the support.

Help us keep this coverage going in 2021. Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing membership pledge, your support goes to local-based reporting from our small but mighty team.

Join the Cleveland Scene Press Club for as little as $5 a month.

Read the Digital Print Issue

January 5, 2022

View more issues


Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.


© 2022 Cleveland Scene: 737 Bolivar Rd., Suite 4100, Cleveland, OH 44115, (216) 505-8199
Logos and trademarks on this site are property of their respective owners.

Website powered by Foundation