Join the Cleveland Scene Press Club. Because No News is Bad News.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

5 Reasons Why Mark Reynolds is Cooler Than Chuck Norris and the Dos Equis Guy Combined

Posted By on Tue, Apr 9, 2013 at 2:24 PM


Mark Reynolds, ladies and germs! Mark "Don't Call Me Thor Cuz I Don't Look That Much Like Him" Reynolds! Mr. Mark Reynolds: Philanthropist, Musician, Medical Doctor, Astronaut, and Texas Instruments Visionary. Cleveland Indian Mark Reynolds, folks. Put your hands together for Mark Reynolds.

Despite assertions to the contrary, specifically numero cinco, Mark Reynolds has emerged as an Indian in the immortal #12 of Roberto Alomar and has proceeded, through seven games (only six of which he's played), to swat the motherloving skin off of every ball thrown his way.

Here's the relevant statistical intel:

AVG: .291
HR: 4 (Leads team)
RBI: 8 (Leads team)
SLG: .875
Strikeouts: 7 (DOES NOT LEAD TEAM).

Guys, look it. The sample size is incredibly small, but Reynolds has landed in Cleveland with gusto. And it's not just baseball: I mean, here are five things Reynolds did last night cooler than anything Chuck Norris or the Dos Equis guy have ever done ever:

1) Mark Reynolds went back in time to give Adolf Hitler a high-five and then pulled his hand away at the last second, just to piss Hitler off.

2) Mark Reynolds responded to allegations by Mark Wahlberg about the former's dick width: LIKE A GENTLEMAN.

3) Mark Reynolds personally scolded every Asian Carp in America. Several carp reported that they don't mind when Reynolds is mad; they mind when he's "disappointed."

4) Mark Reynolds had a conversation about climate change whilst drinking a Great Lakes Brewing Company beer and learned "at least three hard facts" about the issue he didn't know before.

5) Mark Reynolds read 50 pages of his book — an essay collection by a luminary of Eastern Europe's early 20th century — and then wrote 25 pages of his own novel-in-progress, a meaty thriller "with a sentimental streak" about the Underground Railroad and the evolution of the Canadian wood-pulping industry.

In other really good baseball news, Carlos Santana has only struck out twice all year, and his thumb is bruised but not broken after being hit by a fastball in yesterday's home opener.

Tags: , ,

We welcome readers to submit letters regarding articles and content in Cleveland Scene. Letters should be a minimum of 150 words, refer to content that has appeared on Cleveland Scene, and must include the writer's full name, address, and phone number for verification purposes. No attachments will be considered. Writers of letters selected for publication will be notified via email. Letters may be edited and shortened for space.

Email us at

Cleveland Scene works for you, and your support is essential.

Our small but mighty local team works tirelessly to bring you high-quality, uncensored news and cultural coverage of Cleveland and beyond.

Unlike many newspapers, ours is free – and we'd like to keep it that way, because we believe, now more than ever, everyone deserves access to accurate, independent coverage of their community.

Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing pledge, your support helps keep Cleveland's true free press free.

Read the Digital Print Issue

September 23, 2020

View more issues


Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.