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Wednesday, June 26, 2013

The Browns Are Having the Most Browns Offseason Ever

Posted By on Wed, Jun 26, 2013 at 1:26 PM


When Randy Lerner announced last year that he would sell the majority stake in the Cleveland Browns to Jimmy Haslam, Browns fans had a collective orgasm. It's our time! Things are going to change!

But things never change in Cleveland, do they? As proof, a short rundown of the calamitous, utterly predictable, and entirely Brownsy events that have transpired since the end of last season.

Jimmy Haslam and his company, Pilot Flying J, are under investigation by the FBI for a (alleged) massive rebate scam that Jimmy Haslam (allegedly) knew about.

Fresh free-agent linebacker Quentin Groves was arrested for soliciting a prostitute after being caught in a police sting.

Undrafted free agent Ausur Walcott was released from the team after being charged with attempted murder after punching a man who is now in critical condition.

Wide receiver Josh Gordon will serve a two-game penalty after failing a drug test.

The Browns' massively overblown announcement of a Bon Jovi concert to kick off the season at Browns Stadium is followed shortly by an announcement of a cancellation of said concert due to lackluster ticket sales.

Browns allow "all-access" to Grantland's Chuck Klosterman leading up to draft day, however, they shut him out of most meetings and interviews. The only interesting tidbit from his story, which displays the unchecked paranoia of the Browns' regime: "The war room is tense. Its ambience falls somewhere between a maternity waiting room and an East Berlin safe house. Sometimes the cable cuts out and all three televisions flicker in unison — but before an IT worker is allowed to enter the room and check the connection, Lombardi hastily erases Mingo's name from the white board. This IT worker is a Browns employee who (I assume) works in the facility every single day. He's nobody. Yet he still can't be trusted. It seems a little crazy, but that's how this world operates. It's crazy on purpose. I think they like it that way."

They sold the naming rights to the stadium. First fucking something or other. For some reason, they thought it was huge news.

Oh, and the Ravens won the Super Bowl. No. 2 for Cleveland that should have been, if you're keeping track.

Factory of Sadness, indeed.

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