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Friday, July 22, 2016

A Definitive Ranking of the Best of the Cleveland RNC merchandise

Posted By on Fri, Jul 22, 2016 at 7:30 AM

click to enlarge EMANUEL WALLACE
  • Emanuel Wallace

The RNC is over and all we have left are our sweet, sweet memories of road closures, misspelled protest signs, open carry enthusiasts, negging Onion headlines, and whatever collectible merchandise we’ve been able to acquire over the past four days.

Here is a definitive ranking of the best RNC merchandise, so you can be sure to acquire only those items that will be cherished for generations to come.

18) “Make America Great Again” beer coozie - $12
The perfect item when you want to politicize the act of drinking a cold beer.

17) “Girls Just Wanna Have Guns” t-shirt - $20
This t-shirt harkens back to that old saying: girls just wanna have guns, boys just wanna have grenades, men just wanna have rocket launchers, women just wanna have stealth bombers.

16) WTF RNC CLE 2016 Mug - $10
There are only five necessary acronyms this election cycle (DNC, RNC, CLE, WTF, and FML) and this mug manages to get has three of five right there in print. A masterpiece.

15) “Hillary for Prison 2016” button – now is $10
Short, snappy, and proudly displays the fallacy that you can vote someone into prison.

14) “Wake Up America” travel tumbler - $20
You see, it works on two levels. 1) you put coffee in it and coffee has caffeine that helps you to be more alert or “wake up”, 2) Obama’s 8 years in office were just a bad dream and never happened. Wake me up mommy! Wake me up!!!!

13) “My party of choice - cocktail party” needlepoint – $55.00
Perfect for letting your friends know that you’re an alcoholic who’s not registered to vote.

12) “Cleveland 2016 Proud Host” Apron - $16.00
One day, it’ll be twenty years from now, on a warm summer evening, and you’ll be grilling out with your grown children and your grandchildren and you’ll be wearing this apron. And your youngest grandchild, a brunette girl no older than 5, will tug on your apron and say, “What does your apron mean?” and you’ll say, “Once, Cleveland was the host the 2016 RNC. And we came together as a city and showed the nation who we were and what we were capable of, and we were proud.” And she’ll say nothing because she’ll have wandered off in search of something that’s actually interesting.

11) “weepublican” onesie - $27.00
For when you want to all but ensure that your offspring will be the leader of the next “Occupy Wall Street/piss off my parents” movement.

10) The Donald Trump Gas Bag - $9.00
This is a whoopee-cushion-like product that has the Donald’s face on it and a the slogan “Sit on my face and I’ll give you a speech you’ll never forget.” Because he’s a wind bag! Get it? Oh, oh God, my side.

9) “Hot Chicks for Trump” button - $10
There are two assumptions that come with this button. 1) it’s being worn by a chick, and 2) she is very physically attractive or “hot”. Along with these is a third, unspoken, assumption that the wearer of the button is also armed, so never question the veracity of the first two assumptions.

8) Dump the Trump toilet paper - $20.00
If you want to turn the act of getting enough fiber in your diet into a political statement, this is the product for you.

7) Trump Flakes - $40
Though this novelty cereal features the slogan “They’re great again!”, you really can’t justify paying $40 for this. Because one day it’s going to be 4AM and you’re going to be home from the bars and super hungry and this will be the only thing in your cabinet and then it’s goodbye savvy investment, hello mediocre late night snack.

6) “Trump 2016: Finally Someone with Balls” button - $10
Because no one has ever managed to pull off running for the office of the president while also having testicles. It’s never happened.

5) “Life’s a Bitch: Don’t Vote for One!” button - $10
Misogyny: misogyny!

4) “’That’s What She Said – Melania Trump’” t-shirt - $20
They put this one together in the past few days and it’s perfect and will always be relevant.

3) Donald Trump condom. - $5.00
This prophylactic features the phrases “Next time you hit that rump, think of the Trump”, and “Not for use on Megyn Kelly.” Of course it’s not for use on Megyn Kelly because, it’s like we always say guys, Megyn Kelly should always be pregnant. We want as many copies of her genes running around this planet as possible.

2) Dryer lint sculpture of Donald – sold to the highest bidder
This piece of art is nothing short of majestic. Made from 30 lbs of dryer lint, much of which was donated by loving patrons of the arts, it uncannily life like both because it really looks like Donald Trump and because it is extremely flammable.

1) Life size Donald Trump cardboard cutout - $35.00
No matter your feelings towards him, positive or negative, you can have him with you always, either to consult on a business deal, turn to when you need to be yelled at, or demanding to know why Scott Baio was given any stage time.


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