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Thursday, August 11, 2016

Back to School Tips From a Former Cool Kid

Posted By on Thu, Aug 11, 2016 at 11:50 AM

  • The author, radiating coolness
It’s August and for young people everywhere that means it’s almost time to go back to school. School can be a stressful time in many kid’s lives because they’ve got to worry about things like fitting in, bullies, keeping good grades and being cool. I’m here to help though, because, and I know this may be hard to believe, but I was a kid for 18 years. Not only that, but I was a cool kid for 16 of those years  — I took 2 years off to pursue being lame, and let me tell you, it was not cool! So, here’s some back to school tips from a former cool kid:

1. Want to fit in? The key to fitting in is to be popular. So what I would do to be popular no matter where I went was write a chart-topping, hit song. You know the Black Eyed Peas’ “Boom Boom Pow”? I was about to go to high school. Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe”? I needed a date for prom. Taylor Swift’s entire album “1989” was because not enough people were talking to me in my government class.

2. Join a club. The fastest way to make friends is to find people that share your interests, and if there aren’t any clubs that interest you, make a club! All you have to do to make a club is to find something you’re passionate about, create a set of rules to run the club (sometimes called a manifesto), convince a group of easily manipulated people to devote their entire life to your cause (or else) and gain power over your community.

3. Afraid of getting bullied? Get a face tattoo. Kids, have you ever seen someone with a face tattoo? Well, have you ever seen someone with a face tattoo getting bullied? I know I haven’t.

4. Solve a murder.

5. Getting good grades is easy! Just trust in yourself and answer questions with what you think is right. Then, when you get your tests back with the correct answers marked, all you have to do is build a complex, inter-dimensional time machine capable of sending you back before you took your test. From there it’s as easy as putting the correct answers down while avoiding disrupting the space-time continuum so you don’t end the world as we know it. Piece of cake!

6. Trying to be cool? Webster’s dictionary defines cool as “moderately cold”, so take off those jackets, always sit near air conditioners and line the inside of your clothing with ice cubes. When the other kids see you shivering they’ll know you’re cool!

7. Throw a party. One of the best ways to join the “in” crowd is to prove you can cut loose. In fact if you need any help throwing a party, such as purchasing alcohol or needing just like a generally chill dude to hang out with, contact me because I think I know a guy who can help for a small fee.

Trust me kids, just follow these tips and you’ll be well on your way to peaking in high school!

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