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Monday, August 31, 2020

The 17 Scariest Lines From the Republican National Frightfest

Posted By on Mon, Aug 31, 2020 at 2:38 PM

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They’ve never had much of a game plan beyond cutting corporate taxes. So last week’s Republican National Convention reprised a tactic they’ve been using since Nixon. Central message: We may be scary and we’d never, ever want to have a beer with you, but the other guys are so much worse.

The party’s greatest minds painted a dystopian future of mayhem and rioting, where people of suspect genealogy move to the suburbs and send their kids to the same school as yours. And that’s just what it looks like when Republicans are in charge. Imagine the horrors Joe Biden will wreak.

The best lines from the convention, coming soon to a campaign near you:

“Sleepy Joe wants to take your Baconator. The meat trees of Kansas, empty. No mayonnaise. Totally gone. The great farmers…” –President Donald Trump

“A standing ovation? Bless your hearts.” –Buddy McDowell, Exalted Cyclops, Kentucky Knights of the Ku Klux Klan

“While Joe Biden hides in his basement, nerds are rioting everywhere. Not the awesome kind of rioting we had at Phi Delta Pi. This is like a kegger where the football players show up and want to share your coke. And I’m like, ‘Dude, I only got an eight ball! I need to save some to rip lines with the Chuckster at the afterparty!’” –Donald Trump Jr.

“Under the leadership of this president, 180,000 people have died from the coronavirus. Imagine how mortuary stocks will suck under a Biden administration.” –J. Helmsley Crumpet, lobbyist, JP Morgan

“No other country lets your mom drive you to Kenosha to shoot hippies. Except maybe Syria. They’re chill.” –Kyle Rittenhouse, 17-year-old murderer

“Would you give the keys to your home to a black man? Joe Biden is coming for the licenses of white realtors.” –Kimberly Guilfoyle, Donald Trump Jr.’s girlfriend

“And I say to all working women: If you’re not happy in your job, quit. Go to your trust fund administrator, have him buy a sweatshop in Myanmar, and start making some super-cute doylies! —Ivanka Trump

“Many people say I’m doing a tremendous job with the China virus. 180,000 dead, not a big number. I spent more than that on hookers in 2013. The best hookers, tremendous jugs. Can’t do it now. President. Only spent $23,000 last year. Melania threatened to leave me for the emperor of Canada. Nasty, nasty people, the Canadians. Put gravy on their French fries. Many people say I’m handsomer. Much bigger hands…” –President Donald Trump

“Joe Biden wants to chainsaw your cat.” –Jim Jordan, congressman from Ohio

“I’m not comfortable speaking with unchaperoned women in the room.” –Vice President Mike Pence

“Reelect this great president, and we’ll put Mexican kids in smaller cages. And prod them with sticks.” –Stephen Miller, White House advisor on being mean

“…And the general said to me, ‘Mr. Trump, thank you for killing all the
terrorists. It’s way better now. Not like when Joe Biden was president.’ 9-11, Civil War, impossible to run a casino in Atlantic City. Bad times, Joe Biden. Very bad times. Just white terrorists now. Many are good people. Only shoot a few at a time. Not greedy. Save some for the next guy…” –President Donald Trump

“Is lie. Trump not have affair with Great President Putin. Only make out. Maybe heavy petting. Great President Putin prefer athletic woman. Not so orange.” –Valeri Kaminsky, Comrade in Chief, Russian Intelligence

“Democrats want to take our guns. If you wanna kill nine people at a church, you’ll have to use a stapler. Or some pliers. You know hard it is to murder someone with a pliers? Way hard. Do I get my pardon now? —Dylann Roof, South Carolina church killer

“Democrats also want to take away our right to brandish an assault rifle while wearing attractive pink golfwear. What’s next? Not being able to stalk the lady who runs your homeowners’ association?” –Mark and Patricia McCloskey, St. Louis gun couple

“In Donald Trump’s America, anything is possible. Even if you’re the incompetent son of an imprisoned real estate magnate, you can still grow up to run the whole government so he can watch TV.”–Jared Kushner, runner of the government

“Dude, did I tell you about the time I shot an endangered spider monkey at a petting zoo? It was sooo funny. The kids totally freaked! Joe Biden will only let you shoot the goats. Been there, done that.” –Donald Trump Jr.

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