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Thursday, October 29, 2020

A Message From the Secret Cabal Sabotaging Cleveland’s School Levy

Posted By on Thu, Oct 29, 2020 at 9:13 AM

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Dear Cleveland:

Allow us to introduce ourselves. We’re the secret cabal trying to sabotage the school levy. Think of us as just your everyday, anonymous citizens who only want what’s best for the city. As everyone knows, guys who hide their identifies can always be trusted.



You may have heard Cleveland wants to better educate your children. Which means TAX HIKES! Issue 68 will cost the average household $7 a month, according to WKYC. If you’re scoring at home, that’s one less seasonal pumpkin ale. One less delicious pack of Salem Kings. And for what? So Little Suzy can learn math? Pulease.

We share your outrage, fellow citizens. Which is why we’re sending scary mailers to your home. They feature Cleveland’s skyline under foreboding clouds, with $100 bills floating away into the atmosphere. (To symbolize waste. Get it?) The accompanying headlines:

“CLEVELAND CAN’T AFFORD ISSUE 68.”

“ISSUE 68 WILL INCREASE RENT.”

“ISSUE 68 WILL FORCE SMALL BUSINESSES IN CLEVELAND TO CLOSE.”

We offer no evidence to support these claims. The idea is that you’ll find them plausible without thinking too much. Even if you go to our website, you’ll find no supporting documents. Being a secret cabal means never having to justify yourself.

Some have tried to out us. Good luck with that. The trail for our state filings dead ends at a law firm in Dayton. Our official address is a coworking space downtown. Click the “About” section of our website, and it doesn’t even work, LOL! Our identities are on a need-to-know basis. And you don’t need to know.

Crain’s Cleveland Business did some digging. It speculated that we may be downtown real estate magnates. Wrong. We’re just everyday people with enough money for expensive mailers and lawyers in Dayton. As humble citizens, our only wish to raise the alarm of TAX HIKES! and instill a vague sense of persecution and waste.

Yes, it’s hard to vote against children. But let’s finally have the guts to say it: Kids are overrated. They’re cute in their preschool years. Then they grow up. One moment they’re cuddling on your lap watching Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood. The next they’re screaming because you’re out of shampoo. To reward such behavior with a TAX HIKE! is simply bad parenting.

It’s often said that children are the future. That was true when we were young. Before it cost $7. Now it’s just another handout.

That’s why you should vote “No” on Issue 68. Take it from anonymous guys with no hidden agenda whatsoever. If you really care about Cleveland, there are far more important things to worry about. Like, hypothetically speaking, 15-story office towers.

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