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Tuesday, January 26, 2021

Where Are They Now? The Heroes of the Trump Administration, 10 Years After Greatness

Posted By on Tue, Jan 26, 2021 at 2:18 PM

  • Gage Skidmore/FlickrCC

January 26, 2031 – A look back on what’s become of the stars of Trump administration, deemed by scholars to be the greatest in U.S. history:

Donald Trump: Found brief success with the launch of Trump TV, a 24-hour news channel devoted to complaining about the 2020 election. But his fortune collapsed following his conviction of bank and tax fraud. Upon his release from prison, Trump retired to an assisted living facility in Fort Lauderdale. He spent his remained days friendless and alone, dying at age 79 from advanced stage syphilis.

Mike Pence:
The vice president’s failure to join the 2021 terrorist attack on Congress left him a despised figure in the GOP. He returned to Indiana to fulfill a lifelong dream: fronting Lil Mike & the Flaming Heterosexuals, a Village People tribute band. Billboard calls him the “highest grossing performer on the Indiana church social circuit.”

Melania Trump: “Free at last!” Melania exclaimed outside the courtroom after her husband’s conviction, where she announced her engagement to become the fifth wife of media mogul Rupert Murdoch. “He still has money,” she explained.

Ivanka Trump: With her Prada for Peasants Foundation, which distributes luxury handbags to orphans, Ivanka reinvented herself as a charitable powerhouse. In 2024, she was elected vice president in the Ted Cruz administration. Six months later, she ascended to president when Cruz was unanimously impeached by both parties “for being a huge dick.” She remains in the Oval Office today, best known for her signature legislation – the Like, Stop Election Fraud, You Guys Act – which restricts voting to elderly rural white men. It allowed her to declare herself “Pharaoh” in 2027.

Jared Kushner: Charged with embezzling from the White House Easter Egg Hunt fund, he fled to Russia before trial, where he married Vladimir Putin’s niece. Kushner reportedly oversees Putin’s hidden interest in an auto parts store in suburban Moscow.

Donald Trump Jr.:
With the remainder of his trust fund, Donald Jr. tried to rekindle the Trump fortune with Naked & Obedient, a porn site for incels. The FBI raided the company after Pharaoh Ivanka suspended the First Amendment. Despondent, Donald Jr. withdrew from public life. Not even killing endangered species brings him joy.

Eric Trump: Following his father’s death, Eric rescued the Trump Organization from Chapter 11 bankruptcy. He now manages the company’s last remaining property, a Motel 6 in Pine Bluff, Arkansas.

Barron Trump: At age 17, he received a court order emancipating himself from his family. Today, he goes by the name “Mike Jablonksi,” happily residing in San Diego.

Mike Pompeo: His presidential ambitions dashed after finishing 19th in the 2024 Iowa Republican Caucuses, Pompeo opened a consulting firm for Eastern European dictators. Though he still holds political aspirations, an Interpol warrant prevents him from returning to the U.S.

Steve Mnuchin: Unable to find work again on Wall Street, he now serves as chief financial officer for an Israeli arms dealer.

Bill Barr: As dean of the Pontius Pilate School of Law at Liberty University, he’s become the nation’s undisputed constitutional authority. Barr is a frequent guest on cable news shows, where he defends Ivanka’s pharaonic right to kill the first-born child of her enemies.

Stephen Miller: He founded White Collar Klan, an exclusive organization for “the genteel white supremacist” who wishes to avoid consorting with “those smelly racists.” For a $50,000 annual fee, members receive luxury hoods made from 10,000 thread count sheets, plus VIP access to cross burnings.

Kayleigh McEnany: Fox News’ ratings collapsed in 2021 when viewers came to believe it had strayed from its commitment to deceit. Yet the network would rise once more after hiring McEnany. Her show, “An Hour Full of Lies,” was the first to pioneer the format of white nationalism mixed with fashion and cooking segments. It’s now the most-watched news show on the planet, with spinoffs in Germany and South Africa.

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