I make no claims on the humor contained within the words that follow. A few of these popped up in the brainstorming session for this piece — “Let Him Go: The Reason Cleveland Would Be Better If LeBron James Left” — and some of them made me chuckle.
1. We don’t have to pretend to like bikes anymore. At LeBron’s annual bike-a-thon in Akron, we can go back to treating bicyclists like the second-class citizens they are.
2. The poor souls in the offices behind the Nike billboard will see the sun for the first time in four years, bid farewell to their year-round cases of seasonal affective disorder.
3. We won’t have to put up with Usher’s grating, insufferable appearances in the front row at the Q anymore.
4. No more LeBron on stage with Jay-Z when Hova rolls through town.
5. Lower cholesterol averages city-wide thanks to no more free chalupas.
6. People might go to Indians games — which is good, because Larry Dolan’s still got, like, 50,000 C.C. Sabathia bobbleheads to unload.
7. Shorter lines at the B-Spot in the Q.
8. Unofficial ban on “Chosen One” tattoos ends in Cuyahoga and Medina county tat shops. We hear Dick Goddard, rightful owner of the moniker, is first in line to get inked.
9. Swenson’s bottom line improves. The favorite burger shop gave LeBron a “gold coin” so that he and his entourage never had to pay. Perhaps King James will get similar freebies — perhaps a gold c-note for Scores in New York — wherever he plays next.
10. Without LeBron, players actually move around on the floor instead of standing still. Whether or not they make any shots is besides the point. It’s fun when they move! Like watching CYO basketball in a big arena.
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This article appears in Jun 2-8, 2010.
Schrader’s Top Ten Reasons Cleveland’s Better without ‘Bron
10. Dan Gilbert won’t look like such a midget standing next to new marquee player Boobie Gibson.
9. Case Western Reserve basketball will finally get the attention it deserves.
8. Maybe the Browns can get Braylon back!
7. The lack of excitement at Cavs games will postpone Joe Tait’s massive heart attack by at least 18 months.
6. Instead of spending winter nights witnessing NBA superstardom, Clevelanders can take leisurely strolls down Chester Avenue and witness brutal acts of violence.
5. Danny Ferry can use his Duke connections to replace LeBron with J.J. Redick.
4. The Q will be available for NSYNC’s May 2011 comeback tour.
3. The Cavs could return to their super-sexy pre-LeBron uniforms.
2. Parma residents can once again hate all black people.
1. Nobody will block the release of the Delonte West / Gloria James sex tape. I heard Delonte made her put hamsters up his pooper.