A new study reveals that Clevelanders consider themselves the least attractive people in the United States.
We’re not surprised.
When we hit Marc’s over the weekend for our weekly Little Debbies stocking, we saw some of the ugliest people in the nation blocking the aisles.
The survey, which was commissioned by LivingSocial, polled the top 20 markets in the country (we’re still in the Top 20? Woo-hoo!) on their city’s vanity level. Turns out Clevelanders think the rest of Cleveland is pretty fucking ugly. (Or as the LivingSocial people say, “All results are based on residents’ opinions of their own city.”)
Cleveland checked in with the lowest-average ranking on general attractiveness — a 5.7 on a 10-point scale. Ouch.
The stats were based on things Clevelanders don’t do, like get haircuts regularly. We’re also not big on colorings, mani/pedis, massages, spa treatments, facials, botox procedures, and teeth whitening.
Of course you can also look at this another way: We’re too damn poor to worry about the way we look. Keeping our heat on and our bellies full are way more important than having someone rub down our shoulders after a hard day at the job a lot of us don’t have.
That still doesn’t explain the fiftysomething guy we saw at Target on Saturday who was wearing pajama bottoms with penguins on them. We’re pretty sure he was responsible for knocking us down at least a point. —Michael Gallucci
This article appears in Dec 7-13, 2011.
Michael–That is one of the funniest short stories I’ve read from a media guy. So comically true and you pointed out why even guys like me can make it big in Cleveland. Here is my fact sheet, or bio as it is now. Sixty-one, haven’t had a haircut in three or four years (once my Mom died in 07, no one really cared what I looked like other than the boss), all my grooming and pampering is done be me, I often wear things which do not match so that I can stand out from the other business guys. Once my ship comes in I would like to get my old man’s ass shot up with botox, and maybe get a crank extension and some boner-beans to go allong with it…It doesn’t look good for me being able to afford these things this Christmas, but next Christmas I will be on social security so I will have a constant stream of income for the first time in five years. God bless Cleveland.
I often walk around wondering why no one felt like they needed to brush there hair or teeth or change out of their pjs before going out. At first I was feeling out of place…but now I can go out straight out of bed and no one notices! It is pretty cold, and dreary in the winter anyway.
I have been laughing all morning about the picture. That was me a long time ago when I was young and game. Where did you dig that pic up from? My mom’s cedar chest? Is it going to pay royalties?
I just SMH at my fellow Clevelanders wearing pajama bottoms as fashion. Attention: It is not cute at all. Neither are hair bonnets. Or doo-rags. My mother always said being poor is no excuse for not checking out a mirror before you leave home.
Mirrors are reflected images. They give us another perspective. Some say don’t look in the rear-view mirror and don’t change lanes even if you have to come to a dead stop. Some also say that as we look at others we see but a reflection of ourselves in the things we like and don’t like about ourself. Some say that if you look into a mirror long enough and don’t blink you will see the devil in you. Some say all dreams are nothing but looking into the mirror with imagination and fear. Mirrors hold many secrets. Holography is sending two images attached to laser beams in opposite directions around a series of mirrors and have them collide in a head-on and give birth to a 3-d. One day we will live in a world of 3-d illusions so resolute that you won’t know if they are physical or made of light-tricks.
So Clevelanders are not big on colorings, mani/pedis, massages, spa treatments, facials, botox procedures, teeth whitening, and all that other Hollyweird crapola? Big fat freaking surprise.
Clevelanders are honest and straightforward and for real, and accept themselves for what they are. They don’t need all that pretty-boy/brittle skank garbage.
I’d rather be with one Clevelander than with a whole busload of superficial, artificial SoCal phonies and their mee-mee-mee-where’s mine attitudes. Only thing those a-hats have going for them is their weather.
Hey most of us DO shower and utilize deodorant…Just sayin’
Hooray for resurrecting a story that’s six months old! (chanting) Don’t let it die! Don’t let it die! Don’t….
Can’t find my paper bag…Need to go to Marc’s…
That story is Hilarious!! loved it! But we do have a beautiful girl living here or did. Her name was ARCOLA!!!!! RG
After looking at the picture for this story, I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.
Couldn’t agree more we have way too many fat ugly mother fuckers in this City, it just sickens me daily…..
Hey now…Yeah we do have some FUGLY people here but head down south and FUGLY gets redefined!!!!
Just sayin’….
you need to come to the east side. Most of us care what we look like!
Hence the term, “Cleveland pretty.” Means a whole different thing than, say, “Chicago pretty” or “LA pretty.”
I shave ma ass and walk backward too….
I love Cleveland I feel like a beauty queen on my worst days..
Well,I’m a Windsorite-across the border from Detroit-and the “fugliness” from “The Motor City” has hit here BIG TIME!!!!!!Obesity (BOTH sexes,but as a straight dude,the women are WORSE),bad attitudes,B.O.,
slovenly attire,HORRIFIC TEETH,and a general lassitude.I believe it comes from Windsor’s,Detroit’s and Cleveland’s pride in being “lunch bucket,” blue-collar cities where most think manual labour rather than whr employment validates guys,and rolls of fat and loud mouths define the lasses.(Disclosure:I’m regarded a cover boy handsome,62-year-old-63 July 6-black lad!!!!!)
Here in Windsor,it’s becoming chic for folk to wear pajamas in the street,usually women. And the fat chicks with kids and NO MAN ACCOMPANYING THEM IS EPIDEMIC HERE!!!!!