These little pieces of art are a universal language, the kind of graphic that if left behind for future civilizations to discover, like cave wall drawings, would be pretty easy to decipher. Hey, that person was fucking happy! That looks like food! Emojis are both shorthand and longform at once, capable of conveying as much or as little information as the sender wants, their secondary and tertiary meanings ever evolving with inside jokes and cultural references.
The little pieces of art are a universal language, the kind of graphic that if left behind for future civilizations to discover, like cave wall drawings, would be pretty easy to decipher. Hey, that person was fucking happy! That looks like food! Emojis are both shorthand and longform at once, capable of conveying as much or as little information as the sender wants, their secondary and tertiary meanings ever evolving with inside jokes and cultural references.
Which is all well and good and we love them. You can send a text to a friend in Alaska or France and they’ll understand what you mean. But there are certain local quirks and stories and emotions and actions that simply aren’t covered by the e-toolbox we’ve got right now. So we set about to create a set of emojis, Clemojis if you will, that would better help Northeast Ohioans describe their lives. Did we miss some? Surely. Drop by the comment section at clevescene.com and let us know what you would have liked to have seen.
By Scene Staff
Illustrations by Lee DeVito
What It Is: The Cuyahoga River
When To Use It: You’re sitting in your apartment in Lakewood and your friend in Cleveland Heights asks if you want to come over. Yeah, man, probably not. That’s far. That’s the east side. The East/West divide is real, and that windy little river is the line of demarcation. Other uses: You’re kayaking on the river; you’re in an airplane; you’re studying cartography.What It Is: An Alpaca
When To Use It: Former mayor Michael White narrowly, by most accounts, escaped facing real consequences for running a shady and probably corrupt city hall during his day. There were alleged bagmen and bribes and an official FBI investigation, but White emerged unscathed and retreated far from the city to make wine and raise alpacas. So anytime a corrupt politician escapes the grasp of the law, or when they don’t, or when a decision seems like there’s some shadiness lingering in the background, bust out the alpaca.What It Is: A Mountain of Construction Barrels:
When To Use It: All the fucking time. Any city can and probably will complain that roads are seemingly perpetually under construction, but it’s especially true here. Between the Innerbelt Bridge and the random exit and entrance closures and the insane mess that is the area around Broadway, navigating downtown Cleveland can’t be done without encountering detours and barrels. Successfully doing so without losing your mind or being late basically qualifies you as a modern day Magellan.What It Is: A Pothole
When To Use It: Anytime, but especially after the winter thaw, when Cleveland’s roads crack and quake, producing sinkhole-size craters capable of incapacitating a monster truck.What It Is: The Circle K
When To Use It: Anyone who’s watched or attended an Indians game this year knows that the starting rotation and bullpen are the backbone of the team. It’s the strikeout that use to be plastered high in right field in previous years before the Tribe started plastering the Ks on the scoreboard instead. It general, it’s perfectly suited for 8-bit conversation about Corey Kluber or to explain how your date went on Saturday night.What It Is: Poop on a Snowpile
When To Use It: November through April, when Cleveland dog owners forget that they have to pick up their dog’s shit. Or: To express your general displeasure with winter.What It Is: A Cleveland T-Shirt
When To Use It: To express the money grab of any cottage industry that sprouts up around Cleveland boosterism. Can also be used to comment on the next group that will inevitably splash CLE or 216 or the outline of the Buckeye State on some cotton threads with little or no imagination and try to sell it to you for $25.What It Is: OH and IO
When To Use It: During Buckeye games. When a strange Ohio crime story pops up in your Facebook feed. When you miss your pal who now lives in California. When John Kasich resigns.What It Is: See previous slide.
When To Use It: See previous slide.What It Is: A Polish Boy
When To Use It: For new restaurants, for a plea to your friend to meet you for some drunk food at 2:30 a.m., for an invitation to Happy Dog, for an invitation to the 17 other hot dog restaurants that will open in the next five years, for a reminder to your significant other to buy hot dogs at the grocery store. The options, given Cleveland’s love affair with cased meats, are endless.What It Is: A Billy Club
When To Use It: The police shot another person. You’re protesting. You got arrested after protesting. You are actually in the back of a cop car right now.What It Is: A Skylift
When To Use It: The idea of a skylift in Cleveland was floated a little while ago and it sounded preposterous and laughable. The more we learned about the details, the more preposterous and laughable it was, especially when Metroparks CEO Brian Zimmerman said it was ready for the “next level of conversation.” So when do you use the Cleveland skylift emoji? Anytime one of our delirious leaders or private developers touts a project that a.) has no funding, b.) has no purpose, c.) is purely for vanity, d.) is described with jargon taken straight from Generic Business Talking 101, or e.) all of the above.What It Is: Smiley Face Leprechaun
When To Use It: Clevelanders love them some St. Patrick’s Day, despite the fact that the vast majority of us are not Irish. That hardly matters around these parts. Use it on St. Patrick’s Day. The lead up to St. Patrick’s Day. Your halfway to St. Patrick’s Day party. Your quarter of the way to St. Patrick’s Day party. Your 364 days out from St. Patrick’s Day trip to your local Irish watering hole. At 3 a.m. when you’re drinking a Guinness by yourself.What It Is: The Goodyear Blimp
When To Use It: Game days. When you feel like a superstar. When you think NBC and ESPN and TMZ should be shadowing your every moment. When you’re listening to vintage Ice Cube. When you’re in Akron and have to quickly explain to your pals back in Cleveland you won’t be around for a while.What It Is: The Christmas Ale Label
When To Use It: When you’re drunk. When you’re drinking. When GLBC’s tapping date for Christmas Ale is announced. When you buy your first six pack. When you find a gas station still selling six packs when everyone else is sold out. When you’re in the mood to toast the winter season in general. When you’re blacked out. When your friend asks what he can bring to your holiday party. When it’s August and the summer shandys are tasting good but not quite cutting it. Okay, basically anytime you’re drinking.What It Is: A Snowplow, Dummy
When To Use It: About half the calendar year in Cleveland will give you chances to use this one, but two opportunities stick out to us: First, it snowed a shit ton and Cleveland’s delightful snowplow fleet hasn’t touched your street and you need to let your boss know that you’ll be “working from home.” Second, your boss preemptively says he doesn’t care that it’s snowing and that you’re expected to work on time regardless, and you need to let him know that unless he personally sends a snowplow to dig your 2002 Hyundai out of the driveway, there’s no way that’s happening.What It Is: The Leg Lamp
When To Use It: There are few nostalgic moments Clevelanders hold more dear than “A Christmas Story” and its leg lamp. Whether you’re traipsing to the museum in Tremont, setting the movie on repeat on a cold Saturday, or decorating your front window, the leg lamp is ubiquitous, it’s cheerful, it’s a reminder of our past and, goddamn, isn’t it just a little sexy? Anyway, your significant other might not let you buy the full-sized replica for the house, so this will have to do.What It Is: The Free Stamp
When To Use It: When your friend plops down money in Arlington, VA, for a condo that could have bought a mansion on the near-westside. When your pals are visiting from Brooklyn and feel rich when they realize beers are $6 or less. When you’re deciding where to meet someone downtown for the tailgate. When you’re asking how much a concert ticket costs and your friend asks you how much you can afford. Etc. Etc. Etc. Welcome to Cleveland, the most affordable place in America.What It Is: Shrugging LeBron
When To Use It: Any number of the approximately 17,824 times he will do something amazing on the court during any given season (even if it’s for another team than the Cavs). When your friend asks how you played during the weekend pickup game. When your friend asks if you think you’re losing your hair.What It Is: The Playhouse Square Chandelier
When To Use It: Dazzle your … well, you can list the things you know that start with the letter “d.” Yes, Cleveland built an outdoor chandelier. And then they threw a party for it. If there’s any sign that the city finally has disposable income, this is it. So throw this one around when you splurge on something you really don’t need but bought anyway. When you want to Treat Yo Self. When you wake up and remember drunkenly ordering something from Amazon or off the TV the night before. Especially if you’re going to throw a party for that juicer/iron/shakeweight combo you just had to have.What It Is: Superman Logo
When To Use It: Whenever. When you’re feeling undefeatable. When you got straight As. When you ate the Taco Bell in the car without spilling sauce all over your shirt. When you got the Chipotle guy to give you double meat without charging you. When you caught the foul ball in your beer cup. When your tweet got retweeted 100 times. When you had four drinks at Porco on a Saturday night and woke up without a hangover on Sunday. When you’re on Tinder. Or, ya know, when you get asked who your favorite superhero is.What It Is: A Beard
When To Use It: When you see some hipsters or lumberjacks. When you’re going to Happy Dog. When you have a blind date at Happy Dog and he’s a lumberjack. When you’re at a coffee shop that does pour overs.What It Is: Terminal Tower
When To Use It: When your friend, for the 100th time, Instagrams a shot of Terminal Tower, as if it’s something new, as if you don’t know that he’s got Cleveland pride or whatever, as if you don’t know that he’s familiar with downtown, has a set of eyes, and can look up at what is a very nice building without taking a picture of it. Especially if he includes the hashtag #clouds. Or, ya know, if positivity and the Terminal Tower are your thing, whenever you want to express Cleveland pride. Just don’t Instagram it.
