Savage Love

Doesn't Feel Right

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Dear Dan:

I'm a 17-year-old girl and, in most aspects, I'm confident with myself, my identity, and my body. Earlier this year, I met a girl. She had some serious drama at home and needed to get out of her house, so I let her stay at mine. Things went a LOT further than I was ready for. I had just had my first kiss the month before, and I didn't feel like our relationship was ready for sex, but I went along with it because she never gave me a chance to say no.

My feelings for her are gone; she is attractive, but we don't connect. But she has feelings for me. How can I get her to understand, or at least respect, how I feel if she doesn't understand why this was a big deal for me?

Growing Older Youth

There's a movement in sex-ed circles to replace the old opt-out consent mantra "No means no" with a new, improved opt-in consent mantra: "Yes means yes." YMY says it's not good enough to wait for the other person to stop the action with a "no," which many people — particularly young people — have a hard time doing. You have to get a "yes."

But the kind of person who doesn't give you a chance to say "no," GOY, is unlikely to solicit a "yes." Which is why we all need to advocate for ourselves in the moment. And you failed to do that.

I don't say that to make you feel bad or to shift the blame onto your shoulders; I say it because we've all been there. Most confident, sexually active adults can point to an early experience that went too far, too fast. And it's possible to walk away from an experience like that feeling empowered to advocate for yourself in uncomfortable situations in the future, provided you learn the right lesson.

Here's the wrong lesson: "I'm a total fuckup who can't speak up for myself when I'm having sex, so I'd better not have sex again." That's bullshit, and what's worse, that kind of thinking can make a person more vulnerable the next time she winds up in bed with an insensitive jerk. Here's the right lesson: "I don't have to wait for someone to give me a 'chance' to say no. I can and will say no whenever I want to. I'm not going to let this happen to me again because I never want to feel this way again."

As for the girl: Tell her straight up that you don't have feelings for her. And tell her why: Things went too far, too fast, and the sex ruined it for you. Don't sugarcoat things to avoid hurting her, because she's got a lesson to learn too.

Dear Dan:

I'm a 16-year-old bisexual guy. I have been in a long-distance relationship since September. My girlfriend — let's call her "Selena" — and I have a good relationship, but, both of us being bisexual, we have discussed the possibility of having relationships with same-gender partners on the side. I recently met a 17-year-old guy whom I found somewhat attractive. I gave him my number, and he has been texting me often, which makes me feel both uncomfortable and enthralled.

Some of the texts that "Dave" has sent me were sexual in nature. He lives very close to where I do. I'm a virgin, but I am interested. Still, sex scares me at this point, and I don't think I'm ready. As such, this afternoon, I told Dave that I felt we were moving too fast. He agreed. So I suppose I have two questions:

1. I am worried about the outcome should I tell Selena about my "crush." I feel inhibited. How do I bring it up?

2. How can I have a good relationship with Dave in a nonsexual way? I like him a lot, but is friendship too much to ask since he is sexually active and I'm not?

Not Agreeable Intervals

1. Openly, honestly, directly, and without hesitation.

It might help if you remind yourself that while the stakes may feel high right now, they're actually quite low. There just aren't a lot of adults out there who are still dating — or who are married to — the folks they were dating in high school. And if a conversation about Dave prompts Selena to end things, well, your relationship with Selena was destined to end at some point, right?

Tell her this: "I met this boy, and he's been texting me. I don't want to date him, but I'm enjoying the attention. But we should talk about that same-gender-partners-on-the-side arrangement. Not because I'm going to jump into bed with this guy. But we should talk about this stuff before I meet a boy I do want to have sex with." If Selena flips and dumps you, she wasn't open to you exploring your attractions. Which means your relationship with her wasn't just destined to end — it needed to end.

2. Don't assume that Dave couldn't possibly be interested in a friendship because he's sexually active. Lots of sexually active people have friends, and most of us are capable of forming new friendships.

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